Dear Debilitating Bacterial Infection,

I'm just going to come right out and say it: When I first met you, I didn't care for you AT ALL! 

I mean it: two days before Easter - on a HOLIDAY no less - and you drop in unexpectedly with the headache, the nausea, the joint pain, the night sweats and the fever.  I wasn't a fan and I'm not ashamed to say it.

Oh, sure, there were some good times; the hallucinogenic episodes when my fever hit 103, the delirium, the being able to yell "Get me some water with extra ice - STAT!" at my husband - and having him actually get it, FOR ONCE.

And then there was that dream - the one where we were in DisneyWorld, and I'd forgotten where I'd parked my car and my old friend Kim was suddenly there and we were in a parking garage and there was some girl being attacked by a guy - and he had cut off his own arm to attack her and so I stabbed him to save her and then I called my husband to say I'd found the car but was going to be a little late and oh, by the way, this is NOT the happiest place on earth. 

Anyway, as I was saying, NOT A FAN and when you left yesterday I was all "Don't let the door hit you on the way out" and then this morning I saw the BEAUTIFUL HOSTESS GIFT that you had left for me - right there - ON MY SCALE! - where I had LOST 5 POUNDS.

You are welcome back anytime and I now consider you my BFF!

Love,

Kit

Comments

[Yakalita]

I can blieve I'm reading ur post at 7:49am while making my son's school lunch. Thanks for making my day!

[AlexanderDope]

Nothing like a good fever dream. You should do what I've done ever since my HOA made me tear down my sweat lodge -- culture your own streptococcus pyogenes. A little sore throat is a small price to pay to find out what it would be like to have your teeth fall out while playing Yahtzee with Marilyn Monroe, Hitler and Justin Bieber.

[Gamanda]

Oh to live back in the day when they sold tapeworms as a weight loss method. Instead, we have to eat expired food to try and get lovely food poisoning to get the quick weight loss effects.

[Jo]

Now you've got me willing illness on myself to help shift the birthday cake and Easter egg pounds I've piled on in the last week.

[Amy]

I've been praying for illness all winter because I'm so busy and I need the mandatory on my butt break. Send it my way, I'm all about sharing.

[Duane Scott]

Haha! Great entertainment!

[Cass]

I would KILL to have a tapeworm for the same reason.

[FirmieFirms]

coming off of debilitating sicknesses has always brought me this sort of subdued joy that nothing else has ever granted me. and your weight loss in return for sitting through a bacterial infection just makes me believe that food poisoning is the way to go for maximum weight loss!

[mahmeeee]

as i quote the skinny one from the movie Devil wears Prada, "I am only one stomache flu away from my target weight."

can you pass along to your guest that i would love to host him/her over in my body for just once?

[Ross Hamilton]

Nothing like feverish hallucinations while you have your head over the porcelain bowl as you say hello to your mate Huey (Huuueeaaaaaaaah) to shed a few unwanted pounds. It is somewhat like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer - it feels so good when you stop!