Dangerous Letters, Vol. 5

Thanks for another great week.  I had to stop reading your comments at work because I burst out laughing at a couple of completely inappropriate times. 

I have one update for you before we get into this week's comments.  Last weekend on Twitter someone sent me a message saying that she LOVED going down on her husband and did it "just for fun."  I had a VAGUE recollection of feeling like that at one point in my life and resolved to try to 'bring back that loving feeling.'  That night the 'opportunity' presented itself and I seized it (gently.)

It SUCKED.  (Pun intended.) First of all, while I WAS trying to keep a positive attitude, it was boring and I wasn't getting anything out of it.  Also, it seemed like he was actually ENJOYING it and dragging it out instead of just trying to GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY, like I was.  THEN, I got a canker sore from trying to cover my teeth with my lips which, according to Jackie Collins, should be completely unnecessary anyway.  And when it was FINALLY OVER my husband said, "You don't get credit for that because it's all over my stomach," which made me want to punch him right in the jizz.

So that will be the last of THAT for a while. *SMILING*

Okay, I know I say it every week but THANK YOU for your comments.  There is nothing more rewarding to a blogger than positive feedback and reader interaction.  Plus some of the CRAZY SHIT you write makes me feel better about myself. ;)

By popular request, next week's theme is SINGLE SEX.  So if you're married, start reminiscing back to those days before you were and if you're currently single, you've got a couple more days to come up with stories that will really knock our socks off!

Here we go:

On the post, Confessions of a Dangerous Blogger:

Dated a boy in HS and we were getting busy when his parents came home early. We were in the room above the garage and heard the garage door open. He turned the lights on and it was the first time I ever saw a penis! I didn't have time to put my bra and undies on and I put my shirt on inside-out. I stuffed my bra and undies in my pocket. He pulls on his pants and shirt and stuffs his boxers in the couch. He took out a board game and set it up to look like we were playing a game. His parents were not stupid and we got yelled at for a good 5 minutes. His dad told me if I ended up pregnant they would hope I would put the baby up for adoption. I ran down to the bathroom in tears and tried to put my bra and panties on when I realize my bra was not in my pocket. His mom was standing outside the bathroom door holding my bra asking if I was missing anything.

signed I'll never tell

Kit: This story gave me heart palpitations! 

At age 14 I was in a field near my parents house making out with my boyfriend. He was so cute. We were lying in the field and rolling around while making out. I kept feeling this thing pressing on my leg, my hip, and my belly and later when I was telling my girlfriend about the makeout session I said to her, "It was the weirdest thing, he had a brat in his pocket!" (I am from Wisconsin and for those of you that don't know what a Brat is, it is like a polish sausage / large hot dog).

We laughed so hard, I thought it was the most bizarre thing, I didn't understand why in the world he would put a giant sausage in his pocket. We joked that he must have been saving it for a snack later on...

Needless to say, I later learned that it wasn't a brat after all. I was FLOORED that the male anatomy was not all that different than the brat...

signed, NotTooBright

Kit: If it were more like a BRAT I may be more interested.  I LOVE Brat.

My boyfriend and I live about an hour apart, both still with our parents, and we both work long hours during the week so we really only see eachother on Sundays and Mondays.

It was Monday afternoon, both his parents were at work and his 14 year old sister was at school. We took advantage of this rare situation. After all was said and done, he went to the bathroom ass naked, and I laid on the bed, ass naked. I hear the front door open and slam. I quickly scrambled under the covers and closed my eyes as if I were sleeping, only to have his sister jump on top of me. I made my voice all hoarse and pretended I washad just woken up. I asked her to do me the biggest favor of her life and get me a glass of water from downstairs. She got up to get it and I immediately threw on the first thing I could find, my boyfriend runs out of the bathroom, penis and balls cupped in hand, I threw clothes at him, he ran back to the bathroom, and I breathlessly crawled back under the covers just in time for my glass of water to arrive.

(PS - I posted a few posts ago regarding my "vibrator virginity" which is now non existent, so thank you very much.)

signed, The Vibrator (non) Virgin

Kit: While I have to admit that it's a very funny story and one I can totally relate to if you just substitute the sister in the story for my kids - my daughter walked in on us TWICE this morning - my favorite part of the comment above is the P.S.  I LOVE turning people on to vibrators.  You, non-Virgin, are totally WELCOME.

On the post, And the Oscar for Worst Sexual Performance by a Blogger Goes to...:

I just thank god that the internet existed when I had to give my first blow job. I had NO IDEA what to do, so I headed to an AOL chat room (oh yeah, I loved wreaking some havoc in chat rooms) and started asking for advice.

Honestly, I don't know if I ever could have done it if I didn't have the internet to teach me. Jackie Collins might let you down, but the internet never does.

signed, Jess

Kit: Jess, you are SO VERY right. 

You should find her e-mail and send her this. SHE OWES YOU!!!

signed, Alena

Kit: Alena, I took your advice.  Apparently Ms. Collins does not have an email address so I had to email her publisher.  I got an out-of-office response but if I ever receive a real response I promise to print it.

I think the only word in this entire post I can relate to is "nowhere." Nonetheless, it's always nice to read about someone else's, ahem, fuck ups in the sack. I'm in some sort of epic dry spell, so it's reassuring to be reminded that not all sex is good sex, and that I might not be missing out on all that much. Except good sex. Obviously.

signed, alonewithcats

Kit: In this case, I highly recommend vibrators. 

I also read Jackie Collins, but fortunately I discussed the situation with a male friend before I ever attempted it. He still calls me "Teeth".

signed, Jerseygirl89

Kit: Did he offer to let you practice?  I find that men are VERY generous teachers that way.

On the post, Halloween Hussy:

A couple of years ago my college friends had the great idea of dressing up as Rockstars (more like Barbie and the rockers) but it was a big FAIL bc we were just wearing old fashioned clothes and some friends recognized it. The problem was that the gorgeous guy I spent all night talking and sharing drinks was dressed up as a Army Chippendale. Nice right??? He was so cute! Tall and lots of muscles lol... Add smart please.
The only problem? He was a real Chippendale (male dancer) who left work to go to the dance club. I found out about it 3 dates later. Yuck

signed, Yakalita

Kit: Really?  You cared that he was a professional male dancer?  I'm just saying I might not have cared until the 20th or 30th date.

Halloween is always good times.

In college, I wore my 6th grade cheerleading costume to the bars. I don't think I paid for a drink for the next 6 months.

When my husband and I were dating I may have gotten a little bold in line for the haunted house. The chainsaw guy screamed "FORNICATORS" at us and chased us out.

signed, Corrin

Kit: I knew I should have been a Cheerleader.

On the post, Confessions of an Uneasy Rider:

Loads of people read your blog... you tell him that from me :) I'm a total addict. I thought that as I hit the URL link from twitter mere seconds ago.

And a SWAT team defence system??? WTF???

signed, Bee

Kit: I'm thinking of patenting the ottoman idea and selling it door-to-door to crack houses as a "security system."  The only thing is that I'm afraid to go door-to-door to crack houses.  I'm still working on my marketing plan.

Okay, seriously, WTF is he doing? Hacking the Pentagon? Hacking police headquarters? Two words, Kit: NET NANNY! And the likelihood of the ottoman stalling SWAT is like almost non-existent. And if they got hurt by the ottoman they'd probably sue you for damages.

signed, Twisted Bride

Kit: Can you get the reality show version of NET NANNY like they have on tv for kids?  You know the super bitchy british lady?  Because, at this point, I'm thinking that a dominatrix is the only thing that's going to keep my husband out of jail.

Block the bedroom door with the ottoman until he stops doing whatever it is he is doing on the computer.

signed, oneandonly_erin

Kit: If I lock my husband out of the bedroom I'm afraid that the police will confuse Carmen Electra with a REAL BULLET and shoot me.  I hate to admit it but the ottoman plan may just be the best one.

Thanks for hanging out with me this week!  See you Monday!  Have a great weekend and remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Love,

Kit

Comments

[TheEngagementProject]

Hey remember when you were like, sometimes after sex Hubby goes Blog that!

Well Love Interest E did that to me last night after a little trip to the sex shop and the fun that followed. And I thought of you. And then felt weird that I thought of you during post-coital snuggle time.

But anyway, thanks for leaving an impression!
-Bea

[oneandonly_erin]

regarding the last thing you said in this post...

Last weekend was prom at our local H.S. Our 17 year old neighbor came over to show me her get-up before leaving. I told her not to do anything I wouldn't do...then "Wait, no, don't do anything I WOULD do".

[Keri]

My mother was always the cool mom and let my boyfriend hang out in my bedroom and even let him stay on the couch a couple of nights. She wasn't stupid I was 17 and told her I was having sex and she immediately had me put on the pill. It was Valentines weekend and I had Mono which sucks. Ryan came over made me this great dinner and then laid down in bed with me "watching tv". One thing led to another and we were having very quite spooning sex. My mother walked in to see how I was feeling and when she saw the look on our faces said, "That is not a cure all and you better be using a condom," then walked out. I was mortified. Ryan left for the night and my mother gave me hell for the next 2 hours about not having sex in her house especially not when she is home. I was so mad at him for convincing me and mad at myself for being convinced.

[Maytina]

That was meeeee. LOL. I still say it's fun and I just did it this afternoon to get him out of bed. ;) Don't be too mad at your husband though, mine would say it doesn't count if you don't swallow (or take it in the face if that's this style...). Ha!

Love that I got a mention on your blog, and I still encourage you to keep at it. Trust this, the more I do it for no reason, especially if we use something on him to make it last even longer - when I get it, I really *get* it. :P

[Todd 'tojosan' Jordan]

I'm going to give up writing about blogging, tech, and etc and write about sex.
You've got the best commenters.
So glad you asked me over for a read and I'll keep recommending people visit.
Cheers,
Todd (not a sex blogger yet)

[Rachel]

I think I'm with Maytina, sorta. Blow jobs are definitely a regular part of our repertoire & it's great when what I want is what only I can give myself. He's happy, he goes on his way, then Mama gets some quiet time. It's the only time he's truly happy to be on solo kid duty.