On Wednesday I commute to work with my friend L-. She's a bit of a princess but she's funny and she's always willing to drive and we live in the same town and we both only go into the office from 9-3 on Wednesdays. Anyway, today when we were leaving we were stopped at a red light at a T intersection. We were on the perpendicular street trying to make a left turn onto the through street. Does that make sense? Here, if this is the intersection: T<--- we were on that street.
Anyway, after about 30 seconds she says, "I think the light is broken, I'm just going to go." And I say, "You can't go. It's a red light." and she says, "I can't wait here all day." And I look at the cars and trucks WHIZZING past us and say, "We've only been here for thirty seconds and we aren't in a rush. Don't go." And she says, "I can make it." and starts to nose forward so that we are DEFINITELY past the stop line. And so I say, "You probably went past the weight-thingy, wait for someone to come up behind us." And then she looks in the rear-view mirror as someone pulls up behind us and she says, "It didn't turn, I'm going to go." And I look at the TONS AND TONS AND TONS of cars FLYING BY us and I say, "It's probably because there are A LOT of cars on that street now. You CAN'T go." And, looking up, I add, "besides, I think the light just turned yellow for them" (I said this even though you could CLEARLY see the green shadow - BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO DIE) and she looked up and saw the green shadow and said, "No it's totally still green. I'm going to go" and she nudges out until her entire ENORMOUS SUV is completely past the STOP line and I am clutching the door handle and case we get rammed from her side.
And then I remember all of my TRAINING, all 800+ hours of LAW AND ORDER and CRIMINAL MINDS that I've watched and I realize that I am PRACTICALLY a CERTIFIED crisis counselor. So I fall back on my training and I say to her, "I have 4 children and I don't want to die." This gives her pause because she is suddenly laughing so hard she can't drive with tears streaming down her face. And because it seems to be working I say, "I love my husband. I love my children. My baby does not want to visit me in the graveyard. My name is -," and then I pause BECAUSE I CANNOT REMEMBER MY NAME. I'm so DAMN careful on this blog to protect my identity that the sound of my own name, the sight of it in writing makes me do a double take as if I've just done something horribly wrong. And then I realize that I am in fact, at that moment, inhabiting my REAL LIFE and the use of my REAL NAME is acceptable and I go on.
THANK GOD that in that moment the light actually TURNED GREEN because she gunned it and we flew out of the side street like we'd been launched from a rocket. And all I'm saying is DO YOU PEOPLE SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU? ANONYMITY IS HARD.
Okay then.
More Criminal Minds below (and yes, I am OBSESSED WITH SHEMAR MOORE CRIMINAL MINDS and YES you have to suffer because tonight's episode is a repeat.)
My friend EMILY used to date a guy named Bob. Bob was a tool. Bob was also a super Boston townie who said things "Like let's go steal the cah that some idiot pahked in Hahvahd Yahd." (I don't think he actually stole automobiles but he DEFINITELY did not hang out at Harvard either.)
Anyway, it was Emily's birthday and she invited us to hangout with her a yuppie bar in Charlestown. It was super duper trendy and Bob was COMPLETELY uncomfortable. We, however, were having a great time. We WERE, except that the bar was on the waterfront and it was very windy and a little chilly. We wanted to go inside but Bob refused so Emily stayed outside, so we stayed outside.
Just as I was considering leaving this group of guys wandered over to where we were. One of the guys was GORGEOUS (Dark hair, blue eyes, very tall.) It took a couple of minutes but eventually my group of girls was talking to his group of guys. I'm not sure how it happened (but it could have been me.) I found out that he actually lived on a boat at the nearby marina.
We flirted a bit and he asked me for my number which I gave to him. We left shortly afterwards because it had gotten very cold. He called me a few days later and we made plans to go out.
Now here's where I do something stupid.
For the date I suggest that we drive down to the town where my family's summer cottage is located (a 40 minute drive from Boston.) I suggest this because the carnival is in town and I haven't had a serious summer boyfriend since college and have this romantic notion of hanging out at the carnival with a boy. This romantic vision COMPLETELY blurs the fact in my mind that this is a FIRST DATE.
So he picks me up, we drive down and we park at my cottage. My brother and sister and their significant others are there. I tell them that we are walking over and they say that they're going to have dinner first and then go over. We haven't had dinner yet but plan to get food there. We leave his car at the house and walk over to town. It'a half mile walk down a long causeway with a picture perfect little bridge in the middle that we used to jump off at high tide when I was a teenager.
We buy fried dough (funnel cake-ish.) We don't go on any rides. We don't walk around town. It was actually kind of a bummer. We decide to walk back to my house to see what my brother and sister and friends are up to. It's dark now. It was light when we walked over. We get to the bridge and I climb up on the lowest rung of the bridge to look over at the water and that's when he says, "You know, if I threw you over the railing, no one would find your body for weeks."
And I say, cool as a cucumber but secretly with gushing adrenaline into my bloodstream, "Oh no, that's not true because the water level rises and falls 8 feet here with the tide so when the tide comes in it would definitely wash my body into the harbor." and he fires back, "Not if I pulled your body up high on the rocks above the tide line" - and he motions to the sediment line on the rocks. And then I answer, "don't be silly(!) it's summer and people jump off this bridge all the time. The first kid who jumps off in the morning will find me." and he says, "but they wouldn't know it's me." and I say, "OF COURSE they would. You left your name on my machine the last time you called and I have caller id so the number's there too. Also, my brother and sister just met you AND I emailed my friend Emily - remember Emily from the bar - and told her that we were going out tonight and she knows where you live." The last part was a lie but I felt like I was arguing for my life.
Apparently I convinced him because we ended up walking back to my house. Every step we took was a step closer to safety and I was so happy when I saw the house lights up ahead. I WAS until I heard voices and saw my brother, sister, and their friends walking toward us. "We're going to the carnival!" they said. I have NEVER wished that I had the ability to telegraph my thoughts more than I did right then. But I couldn't and they left and we went back to my EMPTY house.
We hung out for a bit. He tried to kiss me but somehow I WASN'T in the mood. We drove the 40 minutes back to Boston in relative silence. I was HYPERVIGILANT that he was going to pull off the highway onto some side street where he could dispose of my body but apparently my arguments convinced him that he wouldn't get away with it.
I'm sorry for the length of this post and for the fact that there was no sex in it but sometimes there is nothing funny about dating an AXE MURDERER.
P.S. We did not have a second date.
Ahhh the things we do before we realise we're actually not immortal.
Posted by: Bee | April 29, 2010 at 08:05 AM
LAYDEE! you have the most interesting stories!
Posted by: @piggytailmommie | April 29, 2010 at 08:23 AM
wow...scary...I would have taken my sister aside or something..you are a brave women
Posted by: Deanna Hernandez-Arza | April 29, 2010 at 08:42 AM
Holy crap that is sheer scary! Not so much a winner, that one....
Posted by: jatx | April 29, 2010 at 09:25 AM
Way to stay cool and not panic. What a doosh he was.
Posted by: MrsKnitpho | April 29, 2010 at 09:32 AM
Now I understand why you have trouble falling asleep after watching "Criminal Minds"! That story was *almost* as thrilling as one of your sexcapades. BTW, remember that sociopath I ranted about during Vibrator Week who had the disturbing license plate frame? I think this might have been that guy!
Posted by: AlexanderDope | April 29, 2010 at 09:45 AM
Dang. Creepy psycho dude. In my single days I nearly hooked up with a guy of questionable mental stability, only the girlfriends I was with knew what he was like and wouldn't let me leave with him. *whew*
Posted by: buzzvibe | April 29, 2010 at 09:46 AM
Why don't psychos come with a warning label? I kept waiting for him to say, "Well let's just see, shall we?"
I once went out with a guy (NOT cute, blind date, favor for a friend) who spent an entire dinner expounding on the genius of Lovecraft and Bosch. After dinner, he invited me up to his room (he lived with his parents, at the age of 30) to view his extensive collection of anime porn.
Telling this made me realize how happy I am to be married. My husband might actually get lucky tonight.
Posted by: just another mother | April 29, 2010 at 11:46 AM
Holy crap, that's like the opening sequence on "Cold Case" if only there was a shitty mid-90's Pearl Jam song playing too loudly in the background.
Once in college my roommate and I let some (semi-young but not definitely not cute enough) construction workers talk us into having a "party" with them on the roof of an unfinished hotel. After about 2 minutes we both realized all it would take is a quick knock on the head to kill us both and encase us in the drying concrete pool and we would NEVER BE FOUND. We practically threw ourselves down the stairs.
Posted by: Suzanne | April 29, 2010 at 01:29 PM
Wow, that was some serious quick thinking on your part. What a creep! Glad you're good at thinking on your feet (and fudging the truth a bit) the world would be a sadder place without your stories in it. Thanks for not getting murdered.
Posted by: Skywaitress | April 29, 2010 at 02:52 PM
Definitely a fan of not getting murdered.
Maybe he was attempting to be charming, ala So I Married an Axe Murderer. "How many people have you brutally murdered?" "Brutal is a very subjective word..." It's a thin line between charming and restraining order, truly.
Btw, finding your blog has been awesome! You added me to your Twitter, then I added you. However, it is abundantly clear that I am on the better end of this bargain after spending far too long last night reading a crapton your of posts out loud to my husband last night. While waiting for our kids to fall asleep. ;)
Posted by: Jessalee | April 29, 2010 at 05:46 PM
Okay, yeah, so I know this isn't really the point but...
I moved to Boston 5 months ago, and I've been hit by a car twice, TWICE! Yes, they were going slow enough that they didn't really hurt me, but TWICE!
The people here are very sweet, but they can't drive, and it scares me.
Posted by: Peggypigtails | April 29, 2010 at 06:19 PM
I think I went out with that guy once. Fortunately he was not the same guy as the one who took me to the Cape. To meet his grandma. On our third date. In college.
I need to go tell my husband how much I love being married.
Posted by: Jerseygirl | April 29, 2010 at 07:11 PM
Have you ever seen him pop up on the news? You know, just watching the weather and there he is "Coming up next..."?
Cause THAT would be freaky.
Posted by: Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby | April 29, 2010 at 09:24 PM
a)You should drive next time?
b)I didn't get a whole lot out of the second part except that hot guys=psychopaths. Which is making wonder about my husband. I'm going to go tell him that he is the ugliest man I have ever seen then maybe he won't kill me.
c)I believe (but could be wrong, it happened once) that you wanted to telepath your thoughts, not telegraph them.
Posted by: oneandonly_erin | April 29, 2010 at 09:45 PM
Gross. Infuriating that he was so drunk with power that he could say that to you with such nonchalance. Dammit.
Glad you survived and weren't assaulted, either. Quick wits, for sure, that's a good quality!
Posted by: Marian | April 29, 2010 at 10:32 PM
What a doofus. You should call that BAU on his ass. Even if that's a fake thing and it's been xx number of years, I'm sure they'd still appreciate the tip.
Posted by: KLZ | April 29, 2010 at 11:54 PM
First, this was very hard for me to get past Shemar Moore because once he was mention that's ALL I could think of. (not because this post wasn't completely amazing like always but because he is HOT!)
Second, OMG creepy!!!
Posted by: Tricia | April 29, 2010 at 11:54 PM
Am so glad I found this blog! And now know I am not alone in my college day trysts! Love your humor and how candid you are, maybe someday I'll be up to sharing some of my uhh, moments :)
Kim
Posted by: Kim | May 01, 2010 at 06:48 PM
I'm not going to lie to you, I drive a LOT like your friend does.
Also? I kind of wish you had done the Shemar reference AFTER the creepy Ted Bundy dude, because after that, I had a picture of Shemar in my head (never a bad thing) and so I totally pictured your almost killer in my head AS Shemar.
Oh man, I could totally lick Shemar in a completely non platonic fashion.
Posted by: Guiltysquid | May 02, 2010 at 10:40 PM
Wanted to chime in that I'm glad you weren't murdered (duh). Also I've never seen Criminal Minds so had to google Mr. Nummy, thanks so much for that! He's almost as pretty as the guy on the horse.
Posted by: Rachel | May 25, 2010 at 08:33 PM
Damn...that sounds like all my dates in high school.
Posted by: lanned | June 30, 2010 at 04:36 PM