Confessions of an Uneasy Rider

Don't be alarmed.  It wouldn't be good if we were all freaking out.  I mean when the police leave and the door is reattached to it's hinges someone's got to be in a position to tell the newspapers what happened.

But maybe I should start at the beginning...

My family and I live in a 4 bedroom colonial.  My husband and I share a room, my sons share a room and my daughters share a room.  The extra bedroom is my home office.  I work here most days.  At night, after the kids are in bed my husband and I mess around on our respective computers.  (That is, when we're not messing around in our bedroom.  See MARRIED SEX week for details on that.)

Anyway, I have NO IDEA what my husband does on the computer.  I thought it was something about tracking stocks or maybe PORN.  Until Saturday morning...

Saturday morning was my day to get up with the kids while my husband slept in.  What this means is that the kids get up around 6:30 and watch tv and then I get up around 7:30 and make them breakfast.  When I got up on Saturday, someone had move the ottoman from the formal living room to the bottom of the stairs in front of the front door.

Now, as the mother of 4 children I IMMEDIATELY thought TRAMPOLINE and started to accuse them of moving the ottoman so that they could jump from the top step onto the trampoline ottoman and bounce off and kill themselves, break every bone in their body, force me to get up even earlier, hurt themselves.

As I started my interrogation: "Was it YOU?!?" pointing at my second son (truly, it's ALWAYS him) my husband's voice rang out.  "It was me."

"Wha? Why?" I asked.

"I'll tell you later." he answered.

Later, I made the mistake of asking him why.  I was concerned that he had heard a noise outside in the night and thought that someone might be trying to break in.  The answer, was even scarier.

This is the answer I got:  "Now, I'm not saying that I'm doing anything on the computer. BUT, if the police bring a crash car to the door, they'll come in the front door with a battering ram and having the ottoman there will buy a few extra seconds so that you can get to the kids."

I sat there for a moment and then said what you're all thinking:  "You're FUCKING NUTS."

Also, "Thanks for having the plan be for me to run out into the hallway to greet the SWAT TEAM."

Tonight I asked him, "Um would you mind if I blogged about how crazy you are? You know, with the ottoman and everything?  Or do you think that if the Police are reading this they'll realize that we have the SECRET WEAPON OTTOMAN and will decide to come in one of the other 5 doors?"

He thought for a moment and then said, "No, I don't think that anyone reads your blog."

At which point I decided he was an asshole and deserved to get shot up by a swat team.

Love,

Kit

Comments

[Bee]

Loads of people read your blog... you tell him that from me :) I'm a total addict. I thought that as I hit the URL link from twitter mere seconds ago.

And a SWAT team defence system??? WTF???

[HexingThoughts]

Um...Husb DOES realize you Tweet new posts, right? Hopefully you don't have any local SWAT cops following you there.

Also? Now I want to try the trampoline thing. Wonder if I can get purple casts?

[Bee]

You can even get black casts now, HexingThoughts :)

To go with the SWAT theme of course :P

[HexingThoughts]

Bee, it depends on what I break...Black always begs for silver designs to accentuate it. If I break a leg, ok, but my writing arm, well, do they let me sneak my internet tablet into the psych ward?

[Diane]

So now I am totally curious as to why the police/SWAT team would be breaking down your door?! LoL And Hubs is sorely mistaken that people don't read your blog :)

[Deanna Hernandez-Arza]

I am curious too...your husband has an interesting thought process about the police/swat team... I think he should have told you before the Ottoman strategic/plan was put into place...literally...Yes, Your Husband has no idea...I truly enjoy your blog!!

[Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby]

What the hell is he doing? If that was my husband, I'd have him trussed up on the front porch, waiting for the SWAT team to arrive.

I also told him that if he ever gets arrested, to use his phone call for someone else. Being in jail will be preferable to dealing with me.

[margie c]

I'm with Jennifer! There wouldn't be anything for SWAT to find after I'm done with him...

Hello {waving}, I'm a reader! and that should be good enough ;)

[The Improbable Housewife]

Well, I just discovered your blog via twitter, so I'd have to agree with everyone else that you have a following. Now.. what exactly is your hubby up to? LOL.. sounds like he has a sense of humor at least.

[Amy Phillips]

The ottoman defense, how simple yet effective, if only our military would invest in technology like this- we could RULE THE WORLD!

And, seriously, WTF is he doing on the computer?

[KLZ]

I quite literally cannot stop laughing. Too good.

And why exactly is it the POLICE you're sheltering the kids from?

[Jennamariebee]

This is just all sorts of awesome. You know, aside from the fact that your husband assumes that a battering ram and your front door may have a romantic date sometime soon.

[Heather]

hahahahahaha this made me laugh outloud. what IS he doing on the computer? that's great.

[MommyNaniBooboo]

You freakin' rock.
Also, your husband is pretty smart. Ottomans are dangerous... just ask Dick Van Dyke.

[oneandonly_erin]

Block the bedroom door with the ottoman until he stops doing whatever it is he is doing on the computer.

[Twistedbride]

Okay, seriously, WTF is he doing? Hacking the Pentagon? Hacking police headquarters? Two words, Kit: NET NANNY! And the likelihood of the ottoman stalling SWAT is like almost non-existent. And if they got hurt by the ottoman they'd probably sue you for damages.

[I'llnevertell]

I read!

[Joanna]

I would love to know what your hubby is doing online! LOL. I don't even want to know what my husband is doing...

I freaking love your blog. Thanks for the laughs!

[sarabeth]

LMAO! WOW! And for your info Mr. Husband- I READ! :)

[Squally]

I'm with everyone else! So much like a lemming... I read your blog faithfully and I wanna know why your hubby is a SWAT target!
Ottomans (ottomen?) can bite, especially in an unfamiliar house in the dark and you gotta pee.

[Jamie]

Um, clearly he is unaware of the revolution on blogging you have started lol

[tokenblogger]

Umm, I just read your blog --- and it wasn't the first time. I've actually got you bookmarked.

Still, you've got to find out what he's (at least thinks) he is doing on his computer!

[Peggy Sue Brister]

WTF was he doing on the computer that might bring the po-po? That's the most intersting part & you left it out. You know you have nosey readers!!

[KimofPain]

This was hilarious, I'm waiting for the follow-up "So the SWAT team showed up today" post... :P

[Corrin]

Solid reasoning. But still an asshole.

[Bee]

Does he have any idea that the blogosphere is all insanely curious as to what he does online now?

[Cass]

I bet no woman ever wished her husband was *only* downloading porn like you are now....

[Beatrice]

Funny and odd. Have you snooped yet? I would for sure.

[Todd 'tojosan' Jordan]

Okay, I thought the other post was hilarious but this takes the cake.
I'm thinking your husband was behind the bank collapses or something. SWAT? Maybe he didn't mean SWAT like special weapons and tactics, but SWAT like Super Wet ... well you get the idea.

[Sknbabe]

finding your blog via mutual twitter followers, I can't stop laughing at hubby's concept of the ottoman being a detour that might hinder the swat.

Dang now I fear what my hubby is doing on his computer and now do i need to purchase an ottoman?