And the Oscar for Worst Sexual Performance by a Blogger goes to...

Me.

When I was 15 my mother had her appendix out.  It was no big deal but this was before laparoscopy so she was laid up for a couple of weeks.  My aunts entertained her by bringing her Jackie Collins books which I stole and read from cover to cover in a hyperpubescent hormonal heap of quivering erogeny.

I totally made that up but you KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  Holy shit, I was a horny 15 year old that summer.

The following year I spent all of my allowance money on Jackie Collins books.  I hid them in my room in the same place I hid the Song Books I stole from the church (TRUE STORY.)  (Aside: I stole the song books from the church because every week at choir practice we read the readings for the following week and suggested applicable songs.  I wanted to have LAST years readings so that I would know what they were THIS year so that I could suggest songs before all of those other GOODY-TWO-SHOES had even finished the readings. Also, so that they could keep the SEX NOVELS company.)

BUT HOLY SHIT, just when you think you can TRUST SOMEONE.

That BITCH Jackie Collins sold me out.  There's a line in LUCKY where a prostitute tells a john that she doesn't want to have sex so he says he'll take oral sex and rubs his "thing" all over her teeth.

There I am, all 15 year old CATHOLIC INNOCENCE thinking, "WOW!  Thanks for the tip Jackie!  Now I know what to do if I'm ever in the same UNIVERSE as a PENIS.  TEETH=GOOD"

Am I the only one who just cringed?

The following summer, I had a boyfriend.  He was my first serious boyfriend - and by serious I mean the only one I had ever been alone with.

We kissed.  It was hot.  We groped.  It was exciting.  Then came the time for my first "performance."

I'm sure you know where this is going.  That is to say, NOWHERE.

A couple of minutes in he pulled away and said, "Why don't we just take a break."  I couldn't even 'help him out' manually - he was too chafed.

Comments

[Jess]

I just thank god that the internet existed when I had to give my first blow job. I had NO IDEA what to do, so I headed to an AOL chat room (oh yeah, I loved wreaking some havoc in chat rooms) and started asking for advice.

Honestly, I don't know if I ever could have done it if I didn't have the internet to teach me. Jackie Collins might let you down, but the internet never does.

[Jennifer @ three pugs & a baby]

Damn that Jackie Collins! What a wench!

[Amy Phillips]

As soon as I stop laughing, I am going to leave a witty, funny, comment. Promise

[Deanna Hernandez-Arza]

I was pretty innocent until college...I think my roommate told me to practice on a cucumber or something..

[AlexanderDope]

Looking at this from the other side of the gender line, there is NO WAY I'm calling time out as a sixteen year old in that situation. This is completely academic, however, since the only way I could possibly halt a sexual encounter at sixteen would be to wake up. And, like most teens, I was a very sound sleeper. Kit, did your performance go something like this? (not graphic, but NSFW) http://bit.ly/5Pi1lD

[Alena]

You should find her e-mail and send her this. SHE OWES YOU!!!

[FamilySizedFun]

my great grandma told me to roll a golfball around in my mouth to practice.

she was a DIRTY old granny!

[Adrienne]

Would love to say something funny, but who could top that? Imma find that Jackie Collins bitch and kick her ass for ruining your very first fun-time-with-a-penis.

[Catherine]

Very important question.....did you have braces?

[Dani_Zaz]

My secret books were VC Andrews' "Flowers in the Attic" series. There was nothing appropriate in them. Good or bad, first experiences are remembered for ever.

[Francis Anderson]

That is too funny!! The whole hiding the books and practicing choir songs!! That Jackie Colllins book was probably one your Mom made sure you found!! I can't stop laughing!

[Just Another Mother]

OH NO, MR. PENIS!

Now I have to explain to MY 15 year old why I am laughing so hard, my mascara is running. Thanks a lot.

[Bee]

Oh dear god.... your poor boyfriend :)))) Am laughing so much but at the same time hoping you didn't scar him for life. Actual or mental scars :)

I have no similar stories.... clearly I took to blowjobs like a fish in water. With a remarkably similar facial expression :P

That sentence is like the elbow licking thing. I defy you to not make a face like a fish and mentally compare the two...

[Anthony C]

LOL I cringed and I laughed. Good job. Well good job on the writing job, the other job...not so much. ;)

[Jerseygirl89]

I also read Jackie Collins, but fortunately I discussed the situation with a male friend before I ever attempted it. He still calls me "Teeth".

[Alonewithcats.wordpress.com]

I think the only word in this entire post I can relate to is "nowhere." Nonetheless, it's always nice to read about someone else's, ahem, fuck ups in the sack. I'm in some sort of epic dry spell, so it's reassuring to be reminded that not all sex is good sex, and that I might not be missing out on all that much. Except good sex. Obviously.

[CindyDianne]

Oh my lord! I imagine my husband (With whom I am about to enjoy HOT MARRIED SEX, must put away the laptop) is SO GLAD I didn't learn that particular skill from Jackie Collins.

[LeeMinus321]

Hope your 2nd "performance" went much better ; ) Lol'd at your blog post! Ah, to be young & awkward again.

[Heather H.]

Nothing like the good old days! Love this site. Good stuff. Check out www.deepestdarksecrets.blogspot.com

[Diane]

This was a hilarious first blog for me to read (I saw a RT on twitter about your blog and had to check it out)! So glad I did!... Ahhh to remember our sexual experiences from the younger years, too funny!

[agentausten09]

LOL. I knew there was a reason I didn't take advice from romance novels :-P

[Ssgheislerswife]

Absolutely hilarious!! Now to stop laughing before I wake the kids!

[Jessica]

ok> so the Teeth thing IS NOT GOOD?! I'm sorry, I just want to make sure I'm getting the message here.