How I Met My Husband: The Version I Don't Tell My Mother

I'll explain this the best I can.  Try to follow along.  It helps if you're drinking heavily.  I am.

Nine years and one month ago I went to a bar in Boston with my friend Amy.  Amy was a teacher.  She taught school with my brother's fiance.  That's how I met her.  Amy and I lived near each other so sometimes we would go out together near our house.  This was a Thursday night.

The bar was crowded and we bumped into a guy that Amy worked with (Scott). Scott was there with his roommate who was GORGEOUS.  His name was Tom.  Tom had a reputation for being a slut but he was so handsome I was willing to forgive him.  Another one of our girlfriends had hooked up with Tom and he never called her. I knew a little bit about him - I knew he worked for a bank.

He came up to us to talk. "Hi" I said. "Hi" he said. "I'm Kit" I said.  "I'm Tom" he said.  "So" I asked, "What do you do?" "Well," he said. "I used to have this internet startup company but I sold it, so now I'm looking for my next project." (This was the dot.com era)

"Really?" I said.  "I thought you worked at a bank."

BUSTED.  He laughed.

We flirted throughout the night.  He was HOT.

While I was talking to him, two of his friends walked in.  One was smallish and had dark hair.  The other was tall, REALLY tall, and had the loudest, goofiest laugh I'd ever heard.  We talked to them for a while and then the short guy asked Amy how tall she was (she's short too.)  She got pissed and stormed off.

"Nice" I told him and walked away.

Later Amy and I said goodbye to Tom and Scott and left the bar.  They asked us to go back to their place.  We said no.  We told them that we were going to walk to another bar but when we got there it was closed.  We turned to walk home.  All of a sudden a SHITTY, GOLD TAURUS pulled up beside us and Scott and Tom got out.  The tall guy with the goofy laugh was driving.

Scott and Tom walked us back to their house.  As we walked into their livingroom there was an enormous GRUNT and a HUGE form appeared from the area of the couch.  It was "the GOAT," a guy I had met years before.  He was strung out on crystal meth and looked like he'd been using it for years.  "IGOTTAGOTOWORK" he said.  I couldn't believe he could walk, nevermind work.  I was so stunned to see him in the apartment, I paused.  I turned to Tom, "Why is the Goat here?" He looked me in the eyes and shrugged the question off but that was enough. The eyes, they were the same, their last name, the same.

"He's your BROTHER?" I asked incredulous.  Here was perfection and it's antithesis staring me in the face, calling themselves brothers.

Amy and Scott disappeared into another room.  I didn't see them again.  Tom put on an Elvis CD (seriously.) We swayed, Elvis style.  He tried to lead me upstairs.  "I'm not going to sleep with you." "Okay" he said.  We swayed some more.  He pulled out an Elvis movie.  "Really?" I asked.  "He's the greates movie actor ever" he said.  I laughed.  MISTAKE.

He froze.  "No. REALLY." he said.

"O-kay." I said.  We kissed, we snuggled, (I did NOT sleep with him) I left as the sun came up.  He never called, but...

3 weeks later was St. Patrick's Day and Scott had invited Amy and "her friends," which meant me.  I went to see what Tom would say or do.  He played it cool.  So did I, for about 5 minutes.  Then I spotted the tall guy with the goofy laugh over by the keg and I winked at him.  An hour later we were making out on the couch.  Two hours later we were making out on MY COUCH.

A week later we were inseparable.  6 months later we bought a house.  After 18 months we got married.  Creepy Tommy (that's what they call him) was at our wedding - with his girlfriend - of SEVEN YEARS.

The SHITTY GOLD TAURUS was my husband's car when we got married.  I drove that thing for 7 LONG years.  I HATE THAT CAR.  (Now I have a deathtrap Toyota - AND I LIKE IT MUCH BETTER)

I found out later, that after the night I went to his house, Creepy Tommy told my husband that I was nuttier than squirrel shit.  I said the same thing about him.  I found out that Creepy Tommy dresses up as Elvis at NFL games and runs up and down the stadium aisles.  He's INSANE

Everytime we bump into Tommy my girlfriends sigh out loud and say, "Who IS that?" And I laugh.

Because I got the tall one with the goofy laugh.

Love,

Kit

P.S. This may not be the pithy humor you're used to from me but I figured 9 years deserved something, right?

Comments

[Glennia]

I loved this story. I could not figure out which one you were going to end up with, since this is my first time reading your blog.

[mah-meeee]

you know that you HAVE to post pictures right???

[jatx]

I never read this. How did I miss this? And damn you for your secret identity without pictures.

[Bee]

awwww I never read this either...

and I'm so glad I did. Nine years... am glad you got the goofy laugh guy.

[Wendy S. Marcus]

Just saw this link on Twitter. I really enjoyed this post (albeit almost 2 years later)! Very entertaining!

Apparently I met my husband at a party at my condo where I lived with three friends. He was my roommate's boss. He came to the party with his girlfriend. When he arrived I was throwing up in the bathroom. (But I'd come back out to finish the drinking game I'd been playing!) To this day I have no recollection of our first meeting.

[Sharon-anne]

I met my husband at the McDonald's drivethru. He looked HAWT in that visor. He was 17 and I was 16, by the way. LOL

[April]

I knew it would be the tall guy with the goofy laugh :) It was the most sincere descriptor compared to the tall guy, short guy and HOT guy.
I loved this story.

[Jenny Lyn]

And to think some people don't believe in love at first sight. Well, in your case it was love at first laugh, or maybe kiss.

As far as Creepy Tommy goes, somewhere Elvis Presley is cringing.

[tams]

I completely thought you were going to end up with the short guy. No matter what I'm glad it wasn't the insane Elvis guy.

[Lottie Lockwood]

Great great story and I love the way you write but... nuttier than squirrel shit...what a freaking brilliant line...

Oh and I managed to follow along just fine without drinking heavily - I always try to avoid getting bladdered before lunch ;-)

[Beduwen]

"How we met" stories are the greatest... Thanks for sharing! Me? I couldn't stand my first husband when I met him- shoulda gone with that gut instinct!