Carmen Electra

I've always been partial to naming inanimate objects.  Well, not inanimate objects, but ANIMATE objects - you know, things that MOVE me; like cars, and vibrators.

When I bought my first car I named her Gretta because it was a green Jetta.  (Yes I got a vanity plate, I'm sorry, I was 23.)  Then my mother got a new Ford Probe with a sparkly red paint job.  "Hm," I told her.  "Your car is red, it's a Probe.  His name is Robert. No," I said.  "It's 'Ro-BEHR' like the French."

Then I looked at the sparkly paint job and added, "And I think he's homosexual." 

She laughed, but she wasn't pleased.

So it's no WONDER that I have to name my vibrators.  I mean, I'm INTIMATE with these guys.

I already told you about the late Mr. Chin, who was so named because of his "Made in China" tattoo.

Then, most recently, there was EMERALD, my lesbian lover. She was encased in a soft neoprene casing that made her kisses extra soft.  That's how I determined that she was female. 

<---EMERALD
 

And, as you know, I'm now eagerly awaiting the arrival of Carmen Electra.

Comments

[Chuck Rampart]

Carmen Elektra looks very much like some studio talkback buttons I've seen, but don't tell her I said that.

[Mary P (Barnmaven)]

I name my cars (my first Subaru was named Fransie, the Pathfinder was Big Red and the current little SUV is Hi-Ho Silver) but so far all of my vibrators (all two of them) have been named "B.O.B."

Although I do call the little silver egg "Ben" because he reminds me of Ben-Wa balls. Huh. So I guess I do name them.

[AlexanderDope]

This isn't a vibrator story, but is related to this post and touches upon (so to speak) the theme of the week.

The absolute worst bumper sticker slogan that I ever saw was on a Ford Probe (black, so I know it wasn't Roger): "Probin' For That G-Spot". To make it worse, it wasn't even in the form of a bumper sticker, but a custom license plate frame that the proud owner went to the expense and trouble to commission. Assuming the reason for displaying this museum piece was to attract women, let's tally the fail:

1. Just generally skeevy. I could only come up with two other slogans that would be more of a turn-off: "I'd rather be hiding bodies in my crawl space" and "My other car is a recumbent bike"

2. Really, Probe and Probin'? I swear, my six year old comes up with better puns. Hell, my four year old can do almost as good and we've only bothered to teach her five words (not much time with all the twitterin' and bloggin' and whatnot). If it's really true that sense of humor tops the list of desirable qualities in a man then this lack of facility with word play can only be a red flag.

3. Finally, it advertises his ineptitude in matters carnal. I'm not a woman and I've never used this line, so I'm only imagining here, but I don't believe "let me brutalize your genitals while I relentlessly search for your pleasure center like Pizarro hunting for El Dorado" is a very good ice-breaker. He would have been at least slightly better off if he had gone with "G-spots found in 10 seconds or your money back. And I drive a Probe".

Anyway, this traumatic event has been knocking around in the old bean for 20 years now and comes spilling out like the Manchurian candidate whenever I see or hear the words "Ford Probe". Thanks for letting me vent.

[Holly]

My Jetta's name is Wiletta. I'm a little jealous of Greta though, she would have made a good Greta. Can you change your car's name after three years together?

[Sarah P]

Hahahaha!

Your mom got a Probe.

You said Probe.

Your mom got a Probe.

*sorry

[AlexanderDope]

Ack! I of course meant Robert, and not Roger, above. Apologies to any vehicle offended by this mistake.

[Pauline]

I've never named a vibrator. But then again, I didn't know they existed until my husband bought me one. Let's just say I'm a first-generation, Mexican-American and also didn't know MTV existed until I was 13. Yeah, I know...trust me. I *know.*

[Bee]

LOL I'm loving Alexander Dope

[The Vibrator Virgin]

So I'm a little late for commenting on vibrator week, but I found your blog and hey, better late than never they say. You've made quite the impression on me - not only have I laughed my ass off reading all your posts from day 1, but I purchased my very first vibrator from that website you mentioned. I've always been a fan of self stimulation, but never had the balls to buy a vibrator. Thanks for helping. I hope my boyfriend won't be too jealous.

[I'mYourHuckleberry]

So..my friends all name their toys BOB too.. but I just cant. it ruins it. my dads name is Bob. its too....EWWWWWWIE!!

So...mine is BOSS..battery-operated-self-stimulator ;) and whoa..shes the boss ;) lol but i need a new boss..this boss is getting old & boring...and she makes a funny noise when you turn her on..like shes got a couple screws loose. hard to sneak a session when i sounds like i just started the lawn mower :|

[Zoe Right]

I've named my shower massager Ken- best relationship I've ever had.

[Mommy C]

I love that you named your green Jetta Gretta because I named my gold Honda...Goldy Hawn- who cares if someone else has that name, my Goldy was the best. :)

[Chrystal]

Man, I am so not creative! Growing up my security items were "Panda" and "Blanket," who were surprisingly, a stuffed panda and a yellow blanket. My cars have been The Nissan, The Wabbit (an 81 VW Rabbit convertible), and The Probe (It was purple. HAAA). Now I drive The Giant Van. =\

[Jayne]

My first car was metallic red, so she got named Ruby, then my second car was metallic blue, so she was Saffy (like Saphire).

I have to say, vibrators scare me a little bit (I know, what a useless 21st century woman I am), and Carmen Electra looks very sleek and shiny, but my first thought was "Wow, she looks COLD!"

[Madasarainbow]

We have a strap-on called Cloud. Because it's.. you know, it provokes cloudiness. Also provokes hilarity and endless puns on cloudy days. Tried to name the vibrator but it didn't stick, mainly because we don't use it enough (..why?).
On a less sexual note we have a commissioned "Junk Bag" when we go on travels. Normally just a plastic bag with a load of chocolate and bad stuff. We get very affectionate with our junk bag. And to those who interpret that wrongly, I scowl at you endlessly.

[Wyngrrrl]

My car is Blitzi...she's a Blue Mitsubishi...all i can say since I found you is, thank god I'm not alone.

[nim]

Peter. He was a "rabbit" style vibe. Now it's Honey Bear (who's also rabbit-style, but the rabbity bit is bear-shaped instead).

My 71 white Ford pickup was Uncle Jesse. Cause, ya know, Dukes of Hazzard. Now I drive a crappy blue Geo named *ahem* Little Boy Blow.

Oh, and we finally named by bf's member. I can't believe he hadn't had a name! It is Words, since my bf likes to put Words in my mouth. I shuddered at the pun, but it also works since my downstairs is named Belinda and we obviously put Words into Belinda's mouth. I'm not sure how he feels about "Words with Friends".

[Rebekah C]

Yeah. I love you. I think you just became my personal hero.

[Eileen]

I love it!!!! We name our cars after the day of the week they were purchased. We have Monday, Wednesday and sadly Friday had an incident with a stone wall and a highway that she didn't survive. I haven't gone so far as naming my vibrator, but this post definitely sucked me into your blog :)

[Eileen]

btw...my first car was a 1985 toyota carolla (this was in 2003) and I named him Wilbur. He was brown, trusty and reliable. I've always loved the name Wilbur.

[MG]

I had a ford explorer...I named it Harrison. I'm so clever. I named my passat Phoebe because it seemed fitting for a white passat...although it hasn't stuck like Harrison did.

[Alaskanmama]

We have two things in common. We name our vibrators. And mine is named Kit.

As in Knight Rider.

[josie]

Ok, well I see all your original car names and give you my motorbike's name.. .see if you can guess. . it was a Suzuki SV650. . .I called her Suzi. . . that's obvious right?

I had a green Saab, it was The Waasabi. . .again obvious?

ANother bike had the number plate FC. . .I could only think of rude names. . . very obvious. . .finally my (late) husband saved me. . .Fast Chick. . .phew. . .

Never occurred to me to name other things. . dammit, now I'm gonna have to think about it. . .
Josie x
http://josiespeaksup.blogspot.com/

[Prosey]

Maybe I'm unimaginative...but all of my battery-operated boyfriends have just been named Bob (for simplicity's sake)... ;)