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Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1. My 4 year old walked into my office last Monday morning.  She had just gotten out of bed and she was all sleepy eyed in her footed fleece pajamas.  She padded across my office and sat down on the couch.  She gave me a sleepy smile, pushed some folders aside and said, "Momma, come snuggle me.  I made some room for your big butt."

2. My 6yo son has a pretty limited palate.  Today we were all in the kitchen when my daughter pointed at him and asked, "Mom does HE eat anything green?"
"The only green thing he eats is SNOT!" I joked.
He looked up, thougth for a moment, nodded and said, "It's true."

3. One night last week during dinner time I called my husband lazy.  "I'm not lazy." he said. 
"I can't believe we're even arguing about this." I told him.
"You didn't I'd defend myself?" he asked.
"I didn't think you'd exert the effort." I said.

4. My daughters were taking a bath together and pretending that they were animals.  One was a lion, the other was an elephant.  I walked in to make sure they were playing AND bathing.  My 4yo looked up at me and said, "You're one big beaver mom."

5. Last week I told you all that my sons were cats and rats and puppy dog tails.  I tried to tell my sons that my daughters were sugar and spice and everything nice.  My oldest wasn't having it.  He gestured over his shoulder with his thumb toward my 5yo and said, "Not her!  She's a burping, tooting combo-pak."

6. I often lament that my children get up 50 times after we tuck them in.  A good percentage of those times involves tattling on each other.  Last week my older daughter got up to talk to me.  After about 5 minutes she turned to go.  As she left my younger daughter walked in.  "What is it?" I asked the little one.  "She poked me in the eye" she said.

"How could she poke you in the eye when she was in here for 5 minutes?" I said.  "Oh." she answered and went back to bed.

7. My 8yo son walked into my office, looked up at the O'Keeffe painting over my head and asked, "Mom, what is that a painting of?"  When I got really defensive while trying to explain that it was a flower I realized it might be time to take it down.

8. During dinner Friday night my 6yo excused himself to go to the bathroom.  The rest of us were sitting there finishing our dinner when he yelled, "MOM!  I'm doing a swear."

9. My 4yo often asks my husband to shave so that his stubble doesn't scrape her when she kisses him.  Last week when I kissed her she said, "Momma! Girl kisses are the softest."  Later when I kissed my husband his stubble scraped me.  Without thinking I quoted her, "Girl kisses are the softest."  He thought I was being kinky.

10. My 4yo got out of bed.  "I need cough medicing Momma." she told me.  "I didn't hear you cough." I said.  If I hear you cough I'll bring medicine.  "Okay" she said.

She walked back to her room. Shut the door and stood there and coughed as loud as she could.  Then she opened the door, came back to my room and asked, "Did you hear THAT cough?"

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Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1. We keep a grocery list on a whiteboard in our kitchen.  I asked my son to read it to me while I copied it down.  He read, "Dried Roasted Peanuts," then said, "Maybe we could make something with them - like Mr. Carver."  When I told my husband this he looked at me confusedly until I reminded him, "George Washington Carver."

2. My husband keeps a stash of clean paper towels near the computer for - y'know.  Last week I was eating lunch and needed a napkin so I grabbed one of his paper towels to wipe my mouth.  I was so grossed out (even though it was clean) that I had to go wash my face.

3. Last night while I was making dinner my 4yo walked into the kitchen, opened one of the kitchen gadget drawers, pulled out the apple corer, put it on her head and said, "I am an indian person." in a perfect indian accent.

4. I brought the girls upstairs for bedtime a few minutes early tonight so that we could snuggle in their bedroom before the madness of the bedtime ritual kicked in.  We were lying there hugging when we heard my husband's footsteps on the stairs.  My 4you jumped up, slammed her bedroom door and turned back to me and her sister on the bed.  She started to run back to us but stopped, spread her arms out in a downward V, looked at the sky and said, "Mu ah ah ah!"

5. After the "Mu ah ah ah!" I asked the girls to get into their pajamas.  As they took off their clothes, they would throw each item into the corner of their room and yell, "She shoots, She scores! She ROARS!" Eventually I had two naked girls playing basketball with their underwear and cheering for themselves like it was the playoffs!

6. Last week I had a business meeting in the middle of a blizzard.  After the meeting my boss and I grabbed lunch.  I made the mistake of ordering an anchovy pizza.  Actually it was TWO mistakes because my (NEW) boss told me that anchovies make him nauseous - so mistake number 1 was making my boss nauseous - but even worse was that while I was eating the pizza I got anchovy bones lodged in the back of my tongue.  I spent the rest of the meal and the ENTIRE ride home from Boston - in a blizzard sounding like I was trying to cough up a hairball.  I AM TOTALLY CHARMING.

7.  I volunteered to work at my children's school fair on Saturday.  They assigned me to a game called, "Junk in the Trunk." which I took totally personally.  The game involved strapping a Kleenex box full of 8 pingpong balls to the kids' backs and having them jump up and down until the balls all bounced out of the box.  Then I had to gather the balls up (from all corners of the floor of the gym) and put them back in the box for the next kid.  In the course of an hour I probably gathered up, A BILLION balls.  Which meant I bent over about a BILLION times.  Which is why I can barely stand up today.  AWESOME.

8. We had a Lego building contest at my house today.  6 kids, 1 enormous vat of Legos and 2 minutes to build the "best" lawn mower, tree, etc.  All 6 of them fell out of their chairs laughing when I gave them two minutes to build a toilet.  My 6yo put a brown brick and a yellow brick inside his.  You can't out-6yo a 6yo.

9. Last week I went to visit my friend.  She has an 18 month old.  I walked up to her son and said, "I am going to pick you up, turn you upside down, shake you, bunk your head on the floor, throw you on the couch and tickle you silly."  My friend looked at me a little horrified - I haven't seen her son since September.  I looked at her son, "Say 'go.'" I told him.  "GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled laughing.

He LOVED it.

10. The husband and I tried the "Tingling" KY lotion last week.  It doesn't "tingle" so much as it feels like putting Ben Gay on your nether regions. (which I may have done before - I'll say - accidentally.)  Anyway, it DID prolong the lovemaking as it was a few minutes before I was certain that I didn't require a fire hose. 

Okay, I'm going to go hobble off to bed now.  I may put some Ben Gay on the Junk in my Trunk.  OR some Tingling lotion.  Thoughts?

 

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

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1. Remember this post, where I talked about how the only people who call it Christmas vacation are teachers or people without kids?

Well, as futher evidence, last week while the kids were on vacation I went to the mall to buy some makeup and I bumped into my son's teacher.  She looked fabulous.  I looked like I was coming down from a bad meth high.  

 2. My 4yo daughter just walked into my office and said, "My sister called me an ugly mormon."

I said, "I'm pretty sure she meant MORON."  The 4yo didn't feel any better.  She'll learn.

3. Remember the post about my husband and the ottoman?  Well, a couple of weeks ago when the Unabomber's land was up for sale I considered buying it for him - for purely selfish, get-him-out-of-the-house reasons. 

4. My 5yo asked me what breasts were for.  "To feed babies" I told her (even though she knew this.)  Then I added, "Mommy mammals make milk for their babies.  Mommy horses make milk for their babies, mommy doggies make milk for their puppies, mommy cats make milk for their kittens.  And mommy cows make milk for their calves..."  My 4yo interrupted, "Um, mom?" she said, in her best 'I'm a teenager and you're a moron' voice, "Cows make milk for us."

5. For a while my husband and I alternated getting up with the children on school days.  Then I realized that I like putting them on the bus in the morning so I started getting up almost every day.  Some days this means I get up with the kids, then come upstairs and work, then go downstairs and make dinner, then come upstairs and make dinner.  So, yeah, busy.  And not much time for myself.  If work is busy I may not squeeze in a shower until the kids go to bed - or, if I'm exhausted - until the following morning.  One night like this my husband was 'in the mood' and I was exhausted.  He purred, he cajoled, he wheedled, he almost-but-not-quite-begged and when I finally said, "Fine." he said, "Okay, go shower first."

It didn't happen.

6. Last week my husband walked into my office wearing nothing but a batman mask.

7. Last week #lessambitiousfilms took over twitter and my favorite one (not mine but I can't remember whose) was "Shit. We lost Nemo"

8. Saturday night we had 14, 8 year old boys over to my house to watch the original TRON.  The scariest part was when my 5yo daughter told my husband she was going to kiss them all.  The funniest part was when the heroine kissed the hero and all of the boys covered their eyes and yelled, "EW!"

9. I've worked out 5 of the past 7 days.  I forgot how much I love the endorphin rush.  If you've fallen off the endorphin wagon, get back on.  It's addictive.

10. On Saturday I heard that it was supposed to snow overnight.  Sunday is normally my day to sleep in but I decided to forgo the sleep and take my kids to a local mountain for snowboard lessons.  They had never snowboarded before but I used to snowboard all the time before I met their father.  I haven't snowboarded in ten years.

They had their lessons and LOVED it.  Then we snowboarded together for an hour.  The ENJOYMENT on their faces was AWESOME.  I knew that my days of waiting for them to be "old enough" were over and we would be able to snowboard together for many years to come.

In other news, my lower back stiffened up on the way home and I may never walk upright again.

 

 

Merry Christmas

I'm posting today but then I'm taking a couple of days off to decompress with the family.  I just switched jobs and have no vacation time so, never fear, I'll be back on Monday.

Since I'm PRACTICALLY on vacation, I'll abridge my Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately down to two REALLY funny ones:

1) I'm driving with my daughter and she asks, "Momma, how come people say that you have a fat bum?"  I'm OUTRAGED so I ask her, "WHO SAYS THAT?!?!!?" And after thinking for a moment she answers (with a question mark) "Um, Barack Obama?"  Needless to say his approval rating is at an all time low in our house.

2) We were all in the car, driving to my brothers house to make Christmas cookies last weekend and my daughter asks, "Mommy, how long will you and Daddy be married?" and, without thinking I answered, "Until Daddy dies."  Myhusband gasped, looked at me wide-eyed and said, "I know that't the statistically safe bet but you don't have to come right out and say it!"

Then I added, "And your new daddy isn't born yet."

Merry Christmas Everyone.  Have a wonderful weekend.

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

 Honestly, the new job is helping.  I may be a bit nervous about selling enough to make my quota but at least I don't have an avalanche of backlog piled up and ready to fall on my head.  That's something.

1. My 4yo kicked my ass tonight.  Seriously.  I took the boys to tae kwon do tonight and when I got home the girls came down from their baths.  The 4yo walked up to me and gave me a right cross to the hip.  I was carrying a bunch of stuff so I couldn't protect myself so I begged her to stop but she landed a left hook right in my stomach.  I was laughing too hard to tell her to stop - convincingly so she kept swinging.  Eventually she nailed me in the bladder and between the laughter, the bladder jab and the fact that I was hunched over trying to protect myself I practically peed in my pants.  When I'd FINALLY gotten her into bed I leaned over to kiss her and she said, "Good night kung fu fighter!" wtf?

2. Last week I had a meeting in the afternoon.  I worked all morning and jumped into the shower around 11:20.  My husband walked in and started chatting.  I had been away the previous week and he was REALLY happy I was home to help out.  "Are you going to go get (the 3yo) (from preschool?)" I asked him.  "OH SHIT!" he yelled and raced out the door to get there.  Remind me never to leave again.

3. I'm totally addicted to Diet Coke.  On my way home from Dallas a few weeks ago I walked into 20 stores trying to find a Diet Coke but they only had Pepsi.  Finally I asked someone where I could find a Coke.  "Pepsi has an exclusive contract." they told me.  I sighed.  I went to Borders and bought a Diet Pepsi.  The man told me that they were running a contest and that anyone who bought Pepsi was automatically entered to win Superbowl tickets.  I resolved to scalp my tickets and use the money to buy Diet Coke.

4. I was in Dallas for my husband's birthday.  Before I left I bought a balloon, a tub of cookies and 3 cards for him.  My children and I hid everything in my sons' closet.  On his birthday they brought  the balloon and the cookies downstairs and when he came down they yelled HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  He was completely surprised.  He was even more surprised that no one had spilled the secret beforehand.  Of course he didn't get the cards until later when he went into the boys closet to find something and found them on the floor.

5. My husband picked up new down comforters for my daughters for Christmas.  My older daughter currently has a thin comforter that isn't warm enough and my younger daughter currently has a VERY WARM comforter that is queen-sized and hangs off the edges of her bed.  Yesterday mornign while they were doing an errand my daughter saw the new comforters.  My husband SWORE her to secrecy.  Later that day I said to her, "I have a surprise for you!" because I was going to be volunteering in  her classroom but she told me, "I already saw the pink puffs!"

"WHAT?" I asked her.  She told me the whole story.  Last night when I tucked her in I laid a blanket on top of her comforter.  She pouted.  "I dont like that blanket." she said.  "I want a real puff like my sister."  I paused.  I looked at her expectantly.  After about a 3 count she said, "Oh yeah.  oops." and rolled over.

6. My husband and I were in the office when the door to the girls' bedroom opened.  My older daughter came in and said, "I forgot my blanket downstairs."  "Go get it." we told her.  "I'll go too" my younger daughter volunteered.  They went downstairs.  My husband and I sat there for a moment and then we looked at each other and I said, "We'll never see them again."  It WAS a while before they made it back.

7. My older daughter was eating a cookie for dessert.  "Save my cookie" she told me and my younger daughter, "I have to go to the bathroom."   I turned to my younger daughter.  "Let's eat it" I said. "NO!" she objected.  And let me say that she objected like she was personally offended that I would try to include her in such devilry - as if she were not the #1 Cookie thief in my house!

"Come on" I said.  "It looks delicious." 

"NO" she insisted.

My older daughter came back.  The younger one told her, "Mom tried to eat your cookie but I wouldn't let her."

My older daughter gave her half the cookie as a reward.  And I had none.

8. I have a twitter friend who lives in Australia and when my children see her avatar they yell her name.  They make me show them where Australia is on the map and last week, when my daughter brought home a book on poisonous creatures and we read about a blue ringed octopus that can kill you they both made me PROMISE that my friend would be all right before they agreed to go to bed.  I love Twitter.  And I love children for realizing that friends are friends even if they live a half a world away and you have never heard their voice.

9. My new job involves some cold calling and so I have been researching people online.  Never let anyone tell you that you can't make money on Twitter!

10. Last night I got a text from my Brother in law telling me that I was a pickle head.  Then I got another text telling me that the first text was from my 5yo nephew, L-.

I thought for a moment and then sent this photo back:

 
 
and then this one...

 
My husband thinks I'm disturbed.  But at least we know I'm not a picklehead.

(And my nephew LOVED it.)