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Ten Things That Made Me Laugh Lately

1. Back in December my 4yo daughter told me that I had a fat butt.  Actually it was apparently Barack Obama that said I had a fat butt and she was just relaying the message.  REGARDLESS, now that the weather is nice I've been working out a lot - sometimes going to the gym, sometimes going for a run and my clingy 4yo has started crying when she sees me in workout clothes.  So now I tell her, "Mommy HAS to go for a run because SOMEONE said I have a fat butt."  Far from being shamed she laughs and says, "It was me!"  But at least it gets me out of the house.

2. We have not had any pet escapes recently but my husband HAS been trying to socialize Strawberry by taking her out of her cage and getting her used to human contact.  Apparently he also got the urge to socialize the gecko we've had for two years (and have never handled.)

Last week I was in the kitchen and he was on the other side of the house when he started SCREAMING, "Let me go! Let me go! Let me go you SONOFABITCH!  ARGH! STOP! LET ME GO!"  It sounded like he was wrestling an intruder because he would OBVIOUSLY never speak to the children like that.  Except he was sort of laughing - which I presume he wouldn't do in a life threatening intruder sort of situation.

Well it turns out that the gecko decided that she didn't care to be manhandled and she bit him - HARD, THRICE.  He got her back into her cage, put the lid on and came into the kitchen sweating and bleeding like crazy.  Apparently geckos have pretty sharp teeth. 

3. Last night I posted to my Facebook Page, "For the record: I'm thrilled OSAMA is DEAD and would like to buy the heros of Seal Team 6 a round of blowjobs."

The resounding response - which I hadn't expected but probably should have - was that Seal Team 6 will be receiving Blow Jobs free of charge for a VERY, VERY long time.

4. (This one may have made me laugh AND cry.)  Last week at Parent Teacher conferences my son's teacher confused Colonel Mustard with General Custer.

5. Earlier this week I was arguing with my sister and brother about some changes we want to make to a house we share.  We finally resolved it and when I told my husband he didn't say anything.  "You're not listening!" I accused him.  "No, I heard you," he protested, then added, "But I was trying to think of a tactful way to say I didn't care."  I looked at him for a second and said, "That wasn't it." He agreed.

6. Last week I wrote a Happy Mother's Day post mentioning that the Boston Globe had criticized me for enabling drunken mothering - or some such rubbish - the violence with which you all rushed to my defense was BRILLIANT!  Thank you.

7. Brilliant?  You can CLEARLY tell that the Harry Potter addiction continues.  I have to admit that I'm thrilled that I didn't read them years ago because now I don't have to wait for the next book to come out and, EVEN BETTER, my 8yo and I are discussing them as we read. "Mom, what do you think about this?" he asks and we discuss it.  The books? $50.  Speaking with my son like he's a peer? Priceless.

8. We watched the first half of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on Saturday night.  "Don't watch it in the morning without me?" I asked them (planning to celebrate Mother's Day by sleeping in.) "Ok." the promised.  "I'll even pinkie swear." my 8yo told me sticking out his pinkie.  (They didn't watch it.)

9. I woke up at 10am this morning.  I had told my husband to wake me at 11.  I thought about rolling over and going back to bed but then I thought about all of you.  I didn't want to disappoint you by not THOROUGHLY enjoying my mother's day morning so I reached into my pillowcase where I had secreted Carmen last night.  We shared a blissful Mother's Day MOMENT and then I went back to sleep for an hour. ;)

10. For Mother's Day I received a pot of growing grass, a homemade hummingbird feeder, a votive candleholder decorated with glitter and tissue paper and a notepad holder.  I hope you received such treasure!

 

 

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1. We ran the dishwasher 3 times yesterday.  Finally at 10pm I realized that the final load - the china, was clean and dry and needed to be put away - particularly because there were a few more items in the sink including a couple of wooden items that DID need to be hand washed but would NOT be okay after a whole night soaking in water.  I called to my husband to help me with the last bit of work.

As he emptied the top rack of the dishwasher of plastic cups, I held the box that we store them in.  With my hands busy, the took the opportunity to rub up against me - like he ALWAYS does - that drives me CRAZY (and not in a good way.)  "YOU ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS!" I yelled.

"I wasn't in your ass." he defended himself.

"You would be if I stopped saying no." I pointed out.

He laughed.

2. My oldest daughter will turn 6 next month.  The other night at dinner she started talking about what kind of birthday party she wanted.  I was TRYING to convince her to have a "Pajama Party" where her friends come over and have their hair braided and their nails done and listen to music, etc. but she decided that instead, she wanted to have a "Hannah Montana Soccer Party" that was co-ed and involved lots of sports.  My husband had hardly recovered from the shock of the "Co-ed" announcement when she added, "And I want a Miley Cyrus blowup doll."

"Who doesn't?" I asked.

He shot me a horrified look.

"What?" I shot back. "She's legal."

3. My kids apparently need to get up fifty times after lights out before they can go to sleep.  No amount of yelling, screaming or threatening can put an end to it so now we just ignore them.  The other night one of my son's got up to go to the bathroom.  The second he was done the other son was up for his turn.  As my oldest walked back to his bedroom I heard the younger one call out, "Thanks for keeping the seat warm!"

4.  My daughter's kindergarten soccer team - of which I am one of the coaches - is a bit lackluster.  In the fall we called ourselves "Team Black" because our shirts were black but that wasn't inspirational enough so I decided to get some pirate patches and some iron on letters for the backs of the girls jerseys.  My daughter immediately started nagging me to put the letters on her shirt.  Finally I agreed.  It was during the bathtime/bedtime ritual and all 4 kids were running around.  I set the ironing board up in my room and plugged the iron in and then started yelling at everyone to watch out for the iron.

I pulled the letters off the backing - ignoring the part where it said to cut the backing and leave it attached to the letters.  Whatever.  I arranged the letters on the shirt, put down my 'press cloth' which started out as my daughters underwear but the elastic waistband kept messing up the letters so I switched to a dishtowel.  I laid the iron over the towel for 30 seconds and when I pulled it up all of the letters came with it.  They were not ATTACHED to it - they just weren't attached to the shirt either.  The kids were all over me, my second son almost knocked over the iron.  "Ahh!" I yelled.  "Everyone out!"  I re-spaced the letters and ironed them directly on the shirt.  It worked PERFECTLY.  Who cares if I don't follow directions and still have the scars from my first glue gun experience?  I am UBER-CRAFTY MAMA.

That is, until I realized that when I had respaced the letters?  I had put them in the wrong order - and spelled our last name WRONG.  AWESOME.

5. Tonight at bedtime I had my husband cover me in our bed with all of the pillows and scrunch the comforter up.  Then I had him call the girls to come find me.  Ok, it's TRUE that I hadn't showered yet today but my 4yo walked into the room and started sniffing the air!  When they finally found me she yelled, "I was sniffing you like a doghound!"  SO CUTE!

6. My 8yo son had 5 friends over today for a play date.  When my 5yo daughter heard they were coming she grabbed her soccer shirt (with the corrected name,) donned her cleats and went head to head with the best of them.  They all fell and cried and complained at time - except her.  She's the coolest girl I know!

7. Saturday I took my 4yo to a birthday party.  On the way home I adjusted my rear view mirror so that I could talk to her in her car seat. "I..." I began.  At the same time we both said, "love you."  And then she, influenced by two older brothers yelled, "JINX!" And then she refused to say my name until we got home.

8. The other evening I left my home office and walked downstairs to the kitchen to start dinner.  I was in need of a pick me up so I cranked up some Lady Gaga.  My 8yo walked into the kitchen, gave me a funny look, walked over the ipod, read what it said, turned to me and said, "REALLY mom?  Lady Gaga?" Rolled his eyes and walked out.  I didn't even have a chance to defend myself.

9. We went to McDonald's for lunch on Friday and all of the kids got cups and mixed every single fountain drink into the cup.  My oldest said to me, "I even put Dr. Pepper in there!" and then asked, "What's the flavor of Dr. Pepper?"  My husband and I both made a face (we hate Dr. Pepper.) "I don't know," my husband said.  "ASS." I mouthed to my husband.  He almost spit out his Coke.

10. My husband took my 6yo to the barber for a haircut.  Apparently they nearly came to blows about whether or not he was going to get a Mohawk.  Finally the barber suggested a "Fauxhawk" which was a boys regular gelled up to look like a mohawk.  The next day the 6yo sent me to the store to buy more gel.

 

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

I'm sorry I missed #wineparty on Friday night.  I kidnapped my husband for a romantic getaway.  I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. 

1.  My son is in a bookclub.  The moms and the sons meet every 6 weeks to discuss a book, eat pizza and then the boys play.  The morning after our last meeting I glanced at my son and noticed that he had a black eye.  "Where did you get the black eye?" I asked him.  "Book club." he said.

2. Last weekend I was in the grocery store with my 4yo.  In the middle of a crowded aisle she turned to me and asked (loudly,) "Mommy, is FUCK a bad word?"  "Yes" I told her quickly.  "How many times do you have to say FUCK before you get in trouble?" she continued.  "Only once." I told her praying that she would stop yelling "FUCK" in the middle of the store.  I was half laughing and half hiding my face in her shoulder so that no one could see my mortified face. AWESOME.

3. Our pet tarantula died last week.  It was sad but the kids didn't really mind.  Until they saw it in the trash.  I'm not overly emotional, but even I was surprised when my husband tossed it in the trash.  My 8year old looked at him like he was the devil and said, "We could have at least buried it in a PLACE OF HONOR!" He sounded like a Jedi when he said it.

4. Our new pet?  Is a snake.  True story.

5. Last weekend I went for a run.  "I want to come too" my 5yo told me.  "Let me go for part of my run and then I'll come back and get you and we'll run around the block." I told her.  I ran 2 miles.  I came back and got her and we ran 1 mile together.  She kicked my ass.

6. We had a town election last weekend.  I held a sign for one of the candidates.  While a bunch of us were standing there someone mentioned that she was going to Miami for spring break.  I thought about all of the scantily clad latina women in the gorgeous Miami heat - and about how stifling my 'business casual' attire had been on my last trip and I blurted out, "There's something about Miami that just makes me want to take my clothes off." I spent the next 5 minutes trying to explain what I meant - but I'm not sure they believed me.

7. I was RESCUED from this faux pas by the husband of the woman going to Miami when he took something she said about her weekend with the girls COMPLETELY out of context and said, "Come on honey, this isn't college any more - no more experimenting." Practically outing her as bisexual.  Suddenly me walking around naked was pretty freaking conservative.

8. I've been working out a lot lately.  At dinner one night my son asked me why I've been running so much lately.  "To lose weight." I told him.  My 4yo burst in, "You have a big butt because you eat TOO MUCH FOOD! Peace, me out." and then she got up and walked down the hall. (Fast enough that I couldn't throttle her.  Smart girl.)

9. We went to an improv comedy show Saturday night and they asked for volunteers from the audience.  All of my children raised their hand and they chose my 5yo.  She went up on stage and did an amazing job.  I'm okay with public speaking but would not volunteer to do improv in front of 100 people.

10.  I am a sympathetic puker.  I always have been.  In college I worked at a concert venue and whenever someone puked they had to call someone else or I would vomit on top of the vomit - something so gross that just thinking about it now is making me feel queasy.  All day today my oldest son was lying on the couch saying he felt terrible.  I thought it was allergies because he described it as runny nose, sore throat, headache.  We gave him Children's Tylenol and he just had a stuffy nose.  I kept suggesting that he go to bed but he refused - opting to lie in front of the tv instead.  At dinnertime we made him come in for a little bit of food.  He took a sip of milk and then retched a bit.  I thought he was faking because he hadn't wanted to leave the couch - and he was aiming for the middle of the table.

"Don't you dare throw up on the dinner table." I told him.  He looked up at me and vomitted all over the table.  "GO TO THE BATHROOM" I yelled and dove for the kitchen sink.  Luckily 8+ years of parenting have dulled my vomit reflex.  THANKFULLY it hasn't dulled it TOO much.  I dry heaved over the sink while my husband cleaned up the vomit and took care of our son.

 

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1. It was 65 degrees here this weekend.  We went hiking at a place called World's End.  It was gorgeous. 

2. When, at the 2 mile mark (and a half mile from the car,) the kids mutinied and said they could not take another step, I told them that we were being chased by dinosaurs and that we had to get to the car time machine before an asteroid destroyed it and trapped us in prehistoric times forever.  They beat me to the car by about 2 minutes.

3. My 5 year old asked me, "Momma, where did you get that (pen)?"  I answered her, "In Miami."  She looked at my puzzled and asked, "What's your ammi?"

4. We have some ambitious camping trips planned this summer - Acadia National Park and the Cape Cod National Seashore.  In an effort to get the kids ready to climb mountains I started looking for hikes we could take closer to home.  "Honey," I said, "Do you want to try geocaching?"  He looked at me seriously and asked, "Is this sex related?"

5. My 8yo son received the "Do It Yourself" Wimpy Kid book.  (It's a fill in the blank book with items such as "In 2024 the president will be __________________."  Of course he filled in his own name.)  Another one of the items asked, "Have you ever pretended to be sick in order to stay home from school?"  My son read this one aloud, looked around the room and said, "I'll never tell." Then he threw his head back and howled, "Muahahah."

6. My husband bought a "cleansing" kit last week.  The previous one he bought involved fiber, tea and a pill.  The fiber was a powder that you mixed into water but if you didn't drink it fast enough it turned gelatinous.  It was disgusting.  The one he bought last week contained 10 tubes of a red liquid.  "Is it going to turn gelatinous?" I asked watching him slowly pour it into a glass of water.

"No." he answered, staring at the glass of water.  "It's a concentrate." he whispered.  "So shhhh."

7. I've often lamented how many "tucks" it takes my children to be convinced that it's bedtime.  Last week my daughter got up and went to the bathroom.  When she came out of the bathroom she turned away from her bedroom toward mine.  "You're going the wrong way." I called to here.

"Yeah I am." she called back.

8. Last weekend I told my husband that I wanted to give blood at the local blood drive.  We all went for a walk in the woods and then we were so late getting back that we all went to the blood drive together.  My husband had not planned to give blood but when we walked in the nurse handed us both clipboards so he sort of got roped into giving.  (He's never given before.)

When it was time for the pre-donation interview my hemoglobin was too low and I couldn't give - so only my husband ended up giving. 

9. The town recreation department brochure showed up this week.  When my son was flipping though it he pointed to one of the pictures and said, "Mom, can I take swashbuckling?" (fencing) I said yes.

10. I took my four year old to a bowling birthday party today.  The one I ranted about last week.  She was an angel.  She high fived me when she got a strike.  To the mother of the birthday girl she said, "Thank you for inviting me, I had a great time."  To the birthday girl she said, "Happy Birthday.  I had a great time at your party!"  She really is bewitching when she's not trying to kill me.

 

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1.  Last week I had a dream that my husband and I were in a house full of 20-somethings.  I was in the livingroom and he was in the adjoining bedroom.  I peeked into the bedroom and he was in bed with some girl and another couple.  "WHAT are you DOING?" I asked him.  He answered, "They don't mind, come join us!"  I'm STILL not speaking to him for cheating on me.

2. For a while I was eating a Sweet and Salty Peanut Butter Granola Bar for breakfast - washed down with a Diet Coke.  Y'know, the breakfast of champions.  I knew it was TERRIBLE but it was a pretty efficient way to get calories into my stomach in the morning when I can't just tell my children and their bus driver to "please wait while mommy makes a nutritious breakfast."

Unfortunately I'd crash from the sugar high by about 9:15 so it wasn't a good use of calories.  I've started making a broccolli omelet for breakfast: 1 cup of broccolli, 1 jumbo egg, 1 Tbsp milk in the microwave - served on a flour tortilla.

Last week my husband walked in and said, "UGH! That broccolli smells TERRIBLE!"

I hadn't eaten yet and MAY have been cranky because I replied, "That broccolli is while I'll be DANCING on your grave!"

"That may be," he said, "But you don't have to say it with a smile."

3. Every morning I walk the three older kids to the bus stop and leave the 4yo inside with her dad.  Last week I said, "Can you go wake up Daddy?" as I was walking out.  "No." she answered.

When I came back in she was in the same spot but told me, "I woke Daddy with my cock-a-doodle-doo."

Later, my husband told me that she'd stood at the bottom of the staircase CROWING for about 5 minutes until he told her he was awake.

4. My son has a hard head.  A VERY hard head.  He made a joke that he was going to start head butting things.  My husband said, "it's not good to do that." I added, "because even though your head stops, your brain keeps going and slams into your skull."

He said, "You mean a concussion?"

Uh, yeah.

5. My 7yo son woke up with INSANE bed head today.  His blonde hair was sticking out on both sides of his head.  I said, "Have you SEEN your bed head?  You look like one of those penguins at the aquarium."

He said, "You mean a macaroni penguin?"

Uh, yeah.

6.  My 6yo son got new Zigtech sneakers for Christmas but he can't tie them.  He was walking around with the laces dragging and I said, "Don't walk with the laces dragging or you'll step on the plastic things at the end and break them."

He said, "You mean the aglet?"

Uh, yeah.

7. I make my sons do flashcards every day afterschool to help them with their math facts.  I set the timer for 75 seconds and make them do it three times.  Sometimes they fight me.  When they do, I set the kitchen time for 4 minutes and when it goes off I tell them that if they'd just done it instead of fighting me, they'd already be done.

Saturday night I was exhausted.  I had NO desire to fool around but my husband knocked on the door to my office anyway.  I turned him away.  He went to bed.  A half hour later I came to bed.  He started kissing and hugging me.  I could tell that it would take less time to 'do it' than to convince him that I was too tired.  So I made the most of it.  I'm a trooper like that.

8. My sons have been taking tae kwon do.  The other day my adorable 4yo daughter walked up to me in her 'black with pink hearts all over it' bathrobe, put her hands together, bowed and kicked me in the shin.  It hurt.

9. Tonight my 5yo daughter was taking a bath.  She was playing with toys in the tub by herself.  My 4yo was kneeling beside the tub playing and waiting her turn.  Suddenly there was a HUGE splash and much sputtering.  Somehow the 4yo had fallen in.

10. I was at a business meeting last week and talk turned to Social Media.  "Does anyone even GET Twitter?" someone asked.  "I like it." I said. 

I think they think that I am a total loser.