BloggingDangerously

Bribery comes in many forms, I guess

I love the beach.  This results in massive amounts of sand in my car.  I generally don't mind but my car got EXTREMELY wet a month ago so I had to take my floormats out.  At which point I saw that all of the sand I thought had mysteriously disappeared had gone through the floormat to the floor of my car.  My husband was kind enough to shop vac cubic feet of sand out of my car and Febreeze the inside to combat the damp smell the wet had caused.  Unfortunately the floor mats were left on the driveway to dry (by me) and were not brought in before a massive rainstorm that drenched them  So I had to move them to the garage to dry for about a month.  (Okay, it didn't take that long but I sort of lost track of them.)  I kept going to the beach, however, so now my car is full of sand again.

This morning over a breakfast of homecooked french toast, I asked my husband, "now that summer is over, will you shop vac my car again and put the floor mats in?"

"No." he said.  

"Please." I cajoled.

I can't remember what I offered in exchange for his service (something vanilla, the girls were in the room) but he rejected my offer and said, "If that's all you're going to offer you may as well throw some food at me."

As he mopped the french toast off his shirt he clarified that he meant I could cook for him.

I thought the flying french toast was just me trying to give the man what he asked for.  

Oh, hey there, didn't I used to know you?

Sorry it's been a while.  It's sort of busy around here.  The kids are old.  Well, not old, that's me. Ha.

Anyway...

Yesterday was Halloween.  My oldest, FIFTEEN, didn't go trick or treating because he had crew practice until 7:30.  When he got home he proceeded to insult my mermaid costume.  #Rude.

At one point, people were walking by but they didn't come to the door.  "Why didn't they come to the door?" I asked. 

He looked me up and down, "Maybe because you scared them?" he offered.

"Don't be ridiculous," I answered, "what kind of a pansy is afraid of a mermaid?"  Then I paused and lunged at him while roaring as loud as I could.  He jumped a mile.  I'm pretty sure we both peed a little, but at least I was laughing.

Someone Needs to Check their Sharing Settings

My personal Facebook account is typically very boring.  There are lots of photos of the same kids over and over from that one mom who thinks her kids adorableness MUST be shared. 

There are lots of vamping photos from that one mom who thinks she's darn hot and posts lots of duck faced photos to prove it.

There's the one friend who is an absolute doll but shares about 20 posts/day from those "make you laugh" sites. 

My Blogging Dangerously account is much more fun because you people found me online so you are, by definition, more social media savvy.  You're funnier, wittier and you don't repost the same thing 15 times.  You're also about 3 weeks ahead of the rest of the world when it comes to viral content.

But my friend Kate blew you all away today.

Let me start by saying that Kate is the NICEST person you could ever meet.  She's beautiful - blond hair, blue eyes, ALWAYS smiling.

I've known her for 8 years and I've never heard her swear or raise her voice at any of her 4 children.  She's kind, always willing to help and is just the epitome of the word SWEET.

So imagine my surprise today when I logged into facebook to see:

I laughed out loud.  I'm sorry, I did.

I agonized over what to do.  Do I TELL her and humiliate her?  Do I tell everyone and humiliate her husband?

Do I comment?  Do I hit "Like?"

Her husband's brother lives across the street from me and I'm friendly with his wife.  I thought, I could call her and tell her to call Kate.  But then I figured the brother would never let him live it down.

In the end I "LIKED" the post and then Commented, "Hey Kate, Out of respect for your husband I'm assuming your account was hacked.  Otherwise you may want to check your Pinterest 'Share with Facebook settings.'"

She deleted it within 5 minutes - but I have been laughing all day.

Ten Things That Made Me Laugh Lately

When I met my husband he used to stand up empty beer bottles on the table in front of him.

Now he stands up empty toilet paper rolls on the window sill in the bathroom.

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My children think it's funny when I'm so mad I can't remember their names to yell at them.

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My son spent his "play time" yesterday writing a PERFECTLY PENMANSHIPPED story about a mother who spent all of the family's money so she had to give her children away and then she died and the kids all lived happily ever after.  He asked me what I rated the story on a scale of 1-5 and, not wanting to discourage him I gave it a 5 but then I realized I didn't want to encourage matricide either so I told him that the story was worth a 5 but that I was subtracting 1 point for killing me.  He just nodded.

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You know my husband, right? Well, my husband took my 6yo to the store to get new sneakers.  She chose light up Sketchers.  Last night as he was locking up the house my husband turned off all of the light on the first floor.  Then he tripped over her sneakers in the dark and the lights went ballistic and blinded him.  He thought it was a bust.

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Last weekend I bought a new car for my husband.  We had an Expedition and we loved it but it was 9 years old and the grand old dame was starting to go.  Her (electrical) faculties weren't what they once were and the suspension was sagging (if you know what I mean.)  We are hoping to go on vacation in a couple of weeks and wanted something more reliable and with more luggage space so time was of the essence.  Last weekend was the end of the quarter for the dealerships so I knew I'd get a better deal on Saturday than I would on Monday.  So I sharpened my pencil, grabbed the title to my old car, my checkbook and my daughter and we hit the dealership.  My husband didnt even know.  My daughter and I drove a hard bargain and then we brought our AWESOME new Suburban home to meet the family.  I spent the whole weekend patting myself on the back.

And then I realized that the Expedition seated 8 and the Suburban seats 7 and I invited 7 kids to my son's birthday party this weekend and now I can't fit them all!

OOPS!  total mom fail.

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I  bumped into my neighbor at the store with my daughter and I hugged him.  Later when we got home she called me out in front of the rest of the kids and my husband, "You HUGGED him." she hissed.  "I hug everyone." I told her.  And then I started to list all of the guys I routinely hug.  She was horrified.  My husband rolled his eyes and walked away.  What can I say.  I'm a flirt.  (Note: I also hug women.)

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I sent a copy of the story, Yertle the Turtle, to my boss.  Now she calls me Mack.

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The other day when I was running I had to climb over a big snowbank at the end of a cul de sac.  I didn't think twice because I'd been doing it for a few weeks.  I got halfway across when I realized it was starting to melt.  Then I sank up to my groin in the snow.  I couldn't climb out or move forward.  I was trapped and laughing my tail off.  I ended up sitting down, falling backwards to get my legs out and then lying down and rolling across the snow bank to distribute my weight.  The ice scratched the hell out of my legs.  I'm a wimp.

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Last night my daughter woke up, "with a stomach ache."   She tried to go to the bathroom but it didn't work.  I gave her some toast - no dice.  She drank water and some juice.  It didn't help.  I was tired and sent her back to bed.  She got up every 15 minutes for the next two hours.  And then I was EXHAUSTED.  And cranky.

I thought about telling her to go to bed and to stop getting up but I realized she was scared and that at some point she would stop wanting me with her when she was awake in the night so I just kept hugging her.  I had her lie on her back and do bicycle kicks to see if that would move any gas along.  A few minutes later she ran to the bathroom and evacuated her tummy ache.  This morning she hugged me and said, "I even did bicycle kicks.  Thanks for taking care of me mom."

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I thought that when all of the Reese's Pieces Pastel Eggs were gone I'd be free of this sweet tooth.  Or when the Coffee Icecream was gone.  And the Vienna Fingers.  Now I realize that my sweet tooth isn't proud and it will sink to whatever depravity is left in my house.  Tonight it feasted on Swedish Fish Jelly beans.

My dentist is going to LOVE me.

 

Four Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

I haven't done this in a while.  I need to do it more.

I know it's supposed to be ten things but work has been crazy and frankly I'm lucky I can remember these four...

1. This morning I rolled over in bed, saw that it was still snowing/raining and that there had been no accumulation through the night.  I said to my husband, "I LOVE WHERE WE LIVE because the ocean (which is 3 miles away) melts the snow."  "uh-huh." he responded with SIGNIFICANTLY less enthusiasm than I felt the situation deserved so I emphasized, "My mother got FIVE inches." To which he replied (in reference to my mother's single status,) "You'd think she'd be THRILLED with that."

2. Moments later we walked downstairs to breakfast where my daughter asked us what the word, "Implied" meant.  My husband, in trying to explain it to her, gestured toward my oldest son and said, "Suppose he said, holding up his cap gun, 'I fixed my butt.'" That would IMPLY that it had been broken.

At which point my son jumped in and said, "It had a CRACK in it!"

3. It's pouring out.  I walked the kids to the bus stop and came back dripping wet.  I said to my daughter and my husband, "I'm dripping wet."  My husband quickly put a tv show on for my daughter and chased me up the stairs.  "Want to?" he asked.  "I have to work." I told him.  Disgruntled, he looked at me accusingly, "Then what was all that stuff downstairs about you being "dripping wet?"  I looked at him, non-plussed.  "I WAS dripping wet." I said, and pointed to the rain outside. Undeterred, he gave me a long explanation of how he would make it worth my while...

When he was done, I reminded him that our second son was home from school sick and less than 20 feet away.  He had totally forgotten.  I think he blushed!

4. Realizing that he wasn't getting any, he left me to check on our son.  I heard my son say that he was feeling better and that he was getting hungry.  And then I heard my husband laugh loudly and say, "No.  I am not making you breakfast in bed."