BloggingDangerously

And Now I Know Why...

My husband and I rarely go to bed at the same time.  Mostly this is because I stay up way too late blogging but in general it's because I need less sleep than he does...

One night last week, however, I had crossed pretty much everything off my to-do list and was ready for bed.  I was also getting over my sinus infection so I was insanely tired.

I crawled into bed and luxuriated in the warmth of our electric blanket.  Then I crawled toward my husband and I kissed him.  I knew we were both exhausted so I didn't think there was any chance of it getting out of control so I gave him a long romantic kiss.  The kind we never have time for.

He hugged me and we kissed some more.  Usually when we're kissing like that we're also fumbling around trying to get our clothes off and it's not very romantic.  But this time it was great.  

"Are you trying to seduce me?" he asked me.

"No." I said, honestly.  "I'm exhausted."

"Then do you want to give me a blow job?" he asked completely unclear on the concept of too-tired-for-sex.

I think my laughter clued him in.

After a couple more minutes of kissing I asked him, "Do you want to?"

"I thought you were exhausted?" he said.

"Apparently not." I answered.

At which point the getting naked fumbling began...

... the following morning he looked at me accusingly, "You seduced me!" he said.

"I did not!" I objected.

"You did too!" he insisted.

"Well I didn't MEAN to." I defended.

"Yes you did." he said.

"No," I argued.  "I thought that since we were both exhausted it would be safe to just snuggle and kiss - because we NEVER do that..."

...And now I know why." I added.

Date Night

A few months ago I realized that my husband and I spent every night in separate corners of our house.  We put the kids to bed at 8pm and then I logged back on to my computer and he went down to watch tv.  It wasn't really a problem but it wasn't how I wanted to spend my life with him either.

The thing is though that we like different things.  I like interacting with all of you through this blog, Facebook at Twitter and he likes to watch tv.  He doesn't understand calling people you've never met, "friends" and I cannot stand watching movies I've already seen 50 times.

But marriage is about compromise so we decided that we would spend Saturday nights together.  There were a couple few lot of of rules:

1) No getting drunk

2) No watching reruns of Two and a Half Men.

3) No watching any movie unless we start at the beginning 

4) No watching any movie where there is more blood than sex.

5) No watching hockey or basketball

6) No watching any movie with the word "Dumb" in the title

7) and so on...

And in return for all of these concessions my husband is pretty much guaranteed sex.

So we both win.

(Actually, I win twice.  Which is how it works in bed usually too.)

I had a pretty hot weekend this week.  Friday night I tweeted until my fingers bled and I was thrown into Twitter Jail.

Saturday I went to a birthday party for an 8year old boy at 9:30.  The best part was after the party, I needed to stop at the liquor store to pick up red wine for the beef stew I planned to make later in the day.  My son and I went in to pick up the wine and when we got to the car he admonished, "Now don't drink that until we get home."  On the down side, he thinks I'm a lush but on the plus side, he knows about the dangers of getting into a car with someone who has been drinking.

I blew off my run on Saturday afternoon to sit on the overstuffed chair with my daughters while they read books to be.  We read, "It's Mine" by Leo Lionni and they were thrilled when the frogs learned to get along.

Then the kids went to bed and it was date night.

It was SO HOT.

We sat on the couch and played cribbage and watched Phineas and Ferb.  

Apparently I'm both 80 years old and 8 years old because it was fun.

Then we went upstairs and did things that 80 year olds and 8 year olds don't do.

If you're wondering about the cribbage, we played two games and tied.

If you're wondering about the other thing? I won... twice.

----

P.S. I highly recommend date night.  You don't have to put too much pressure on it - we don't spend a ton of money or try to do anything really contrived and fancy - we just basically make sure that we've showered recently, that we're open to having a grown up conversation and we try not to be bossy about the tv or watch anything by the Farrelly brothers.  It's a good way to reconnect after a long week.  

Nooner...

I work from home full time and my husband is a stay at home dad.  My older three kids are in school from 8-3 and my youngest goes to preschool every day from 12-3 so frankly I have no idea why I don't have more mid-day sex.

But we really don't.  I'm not sure if it's because I get so focused during the day I can't break away - or because my husband works out in the mornings so by noon he's a sweaty mess - or because the minute he leaves to take my daughter to school I run into my bedroom and grab my vibrator so I'm finished by the time he gets home...

But today the stars aligned, my husband decided to work out in the afternoon, I had a relatively quiet day and I was on a conference call from 11:30-12:30 that ended just as my husband was getting home from dropping off my daughter.  I saw his car pull into the driveway and thought, "Hm."

He came into the house and up to my office and made his typical reference to the "midday quickie" but this time I said, "Okay."  Which caught him totally unprepared.

We went into the bedroom and he was stammering while he struggled to get into the right mindset.

I made the mistake of turning on our electric blanket. 

We got undressed and into bed. 

MISTAKE.

Do you know what two naked 40 year olds would most like to do in an empty house in the middle of the day?

NAP.

We moaned.  We groaned.  We screamed out how good it felt.

(The bed, not the sex.)

For a moment it was 50/50 whether we would nap or have sex.  Then I grabbed Siri and started without him.

I asked him, "Are you going to join me?"

"I'm not ready." he said. Then added by way of explanation, "The fish doesn't usually bite so quickly."

"Sometimes you shouldn't talk." I told him.

He nodded.

Siri and I continued without him.  At one point he tried to join in but I was so close that I shooed him away.  Then I finished round one and rolled toward him. 

Not only was it fabulous but since he's been working out he's got some HOT shoulder strength that we used to incorporate some acrobatics into our routine.

I may have been insanely loud.

And then it was over and a sleepy endorphin rush rolled over me just as the electric blanket really started to kick in and it took every ounce of discipline to crawl out of bed into the cold world, get dressed and go back to work.

Because you can't eat love.

You can, however, have it for lunch.

Knock, Knock

My husband thinks it's acceptable to knock on the wall to get my attention.  For example, if it's his morning to sleep in and he wants to let me know that the kids are being too loud he won't call down, "Hey can you guys keep it down?" he'll pound on the wall.

I HATE banging and tapping and to me this is akin to tapping your glass on the table if you need a drink refill.  It drives me NUTS!

Anyway, lately he has been getting up early every day to work out so it hasn't been an issue.  Of course it means he's tired at night and goes to bed very early.  So early in fact that I cringe when I hear him coming up the stairs because I'm not EVEN CLOSE to ready to go to bed at 10 and he's yawning his head off.

It stresses me out because it means I have to get ready for bed even if I'm going to go back to my office for 2-3 more hours.

And sometimes when I stay up late he'll wake up, realize I'm not in bed yet and knock on the wall to get me to come to bed. 

Anyway... last night he came upstairs at NINE THIRTY.

He came into my office and gave me a kiss goodnight and went to bed.  I thought about going with him because I wasn't overly busy but I didn't.

And then 5 minutes later I heard, "KNOCK, KNOCK" on the wall.

So I got up, walked to the bedroom and said, "Yes?"

And he said, "Are you ready for bed?"

And I said, "Um. no." and turned to leave and he said, "Do you want to have sex?"

And I said, "Is THAT why you called me in here?"

And he said, "Well, I was going to jerk off but I figured I should give you the right of first refusal."

Yes, my husband has a way with words...

It's really a miracle that I ever find the strength to resist him.

But not this time because I actually turned off my computer and brushed my teeth.

What can I say? My husband is good in bed.

But just as I was crawling into bed, I realized that he was asleep.

So of course I tiptoed back out and worked for a while longer.

You know I'm totally kidding right?  I hit him in the head with my pillow and told him that if I was coming to bed for sex he had better wake up and perform.

And he did.  And you know what? All the banging didn't bother me at all.

Unclear on Where the Fire Should Be

I got home from Amsterdam on Friday afternoon and spent the next 2 hours hugging and being hugged by everyone - yeah, it was totally cool.  I said and/or heard the words, "I missed you SO much!" about 50,000 times.  There's no place like home.

And then my husband noticed my new shirt -  a tight long sleeved black t-shirt from the Grasshopper, a bar and coffeshop in Amsterdam.  And suddenly it was the Grasshopper meets the Octopus and he started grabbing and rubbing and whispering COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE things.

Until I broke the news to him that I would be out of commission for at least the next 24 hours.

He was devastated. 

Of course I was so jetlagged I wouldn't have been any use to him anway for at least 24 hours. 

Saturday afternoon I jumped into the shower to get ready for a meeting and when I got out I heard him bumping around in the bedroom. 

"Don't even think about it!" I called.

"Oh MAN!" he called back.

"They're all awake!" I told him.

"They're playing in the basement." he argued.

I was partially convinced but realizing that 1) a man will say anything at that point and 2) my kids have parental radar I refused to give in.

"Tonight." I promised him.

He grumbled out of the room and down the stairs.

Later that night he tried to actually GO TO SLEEP. 

No dice.  I berated him for being old until he agreed to give me what I wanted. (Yes I fight dirty.)

Sunday morning he tried to slink out of bed to go work out without waking me.

(He is newly addicted to working out and gets up at 8am or earlier - EVEN ON THE WEEKENDS - it's INSANE.)

Normally I appreciate the extra sleep but we still had some catching up to do so I said, "Where are you going?"

He insisted on going down to work out and even had the nerve to tell me that "having sex would take some of the fire out of his workout."

So I told him, "Let's get one thing straight boyscout - you work out so that you can pleasure me - there is no way your workouts should interfere with that."

And then we talked about how his number one priority was to service me  and he saw the light and got back into bed.  He snuggled up behind me.  It wasn't as frantic as the night before had been.  It was good.

Until the bedroom door came FLYING open and my daughter came in asking us to open one of her Christmas presents.  Seriously - it had been in our house for a MONTH but it had to be opened at that exact moment!?!?!

But it was easier to open it than to argue so I opened it, handed it back to her and said, "Ok, let mommy sleep - and shut the door when you leave."

She did but about 18 seconds later my OTHER daughter came in with a similar present that had also remained unopened until then.

I opened it, handed it back and she left, closing the door.

By then I was done and to be honest I couldn't say whether my husband had finished or had been completely derailed so it didn't matter 5 seconds later when my son threw opened the door and asked if he could join us in the "Everybody bed."

Normally we love it when the kids pile in but at that moment the bed was definitely NOT "rated E for Everyone" so we told him that we were still sleeping and would he mind coming back later?

He left and shut the door and then we lamented the moment when we got rid of cribs and gates and dreamt of installing a bedroom door lock.

Then he went to workout - and no I didn't ask him if our morning maritals had taken the fire out of his workout - because I totally don't care.

:)