It's a bummer coming off a week of being sick to a Valentine's Day filled with "revelling in my womanhood" (and yes, I'm talking about cramps and Midol.)
DH and I knowing that there wasn't going to be any fireworks didn't even pretend to be romantic. I finished our taxes and he watched tv - in different rooms, of course.
And then it was bedtime and he came in to my office to talk for a bit before bed. We talked about the house we want to build and then he kissed me and said, "Happy Valentine's Day" and I said, "oh damn! It's Valentine's Day! I should have come downstairs and hung out with you!" and he just smiled and kissed me again.
We went into the bedroom and he crawled into bed. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. These two things typically take me 10 minutes because I like to stop in the middle and come talk to him. He loves this - particularly while he is trying to fall asleep.
So I finally come out of the bathroom and crawl into bed and kiss him goodnight. And then I ask him to roll over and cuddle with me. He moans.
"It's Valentine's Day!" I argue.
"I'm half asleep!" he argues back.
"NOBODY LOVES ME!" I say. And then say it again 5 or 6 times. He doesn't budge or respond.
I reach out and put my hand on his back. "NOBODY LOVES ME!" I cry.
"How about a Valentine's Back Scratch?" he asks.
"Ooh!" I exclaim. "I'd love one!" and I pull my hand off his back and roll over so that he can scratch my back.
Behind me I hear chuckling, and then "You stink."
"Oh come on, you would do it if you thought it would lead to sex" I trump.
He groans again because he knows that I am right. And then he rolls over and snuggles me.
We talk for a minute and then I feel a creature in the bed between us, stirring.
"Ok!" I say, "goodnight."
"What?" he asks.
"You know we're not going to have sex." I remind him.
"You could give me a blowjob." he offers.
An enormous laugh bursts out of me and I tell him, "That honestly NEVER even occurred to me."
"Ok, well, Goodnight." I say, realizing that I have awakened a sleeping monster and pretending not to notice.
It takes several more parries but he finally realizes that the crampy, cranky wife is not going to be performing oral sex. He huffs, "Well, I guess I just have to take matters into my own hands."
Which would be fine except that my husband is a vigorous man and when matters get into his hands the whole bed shakes so violently that I feel like I am going to be get motion sickness.
In fact, I used to wonder about a recurring dream I had where I was lost and tossed at sea until I woke one night to find my husband beside me shaking the bed like there was a hurricane.
I suppose I should be grateful he doesn't wake me but my goodness I need to roll over to a place where I can see the horizon when it's happening so I don't throw up.
Which is what happened the other night. I rolled onto my stomach so I could keep an eye on the furniture and as I did I thought my husband was "finishing."
Apparently he wasn't, he was just becoming a little self conscious as I rolled over so he lifted his head toward me to see if I was watching him.
I thought that he was checking to see if I was asleep, and I THOUGHT he was FINISHED, so when I saw him look over at me I gave a HUGE, FAKE, FRED FLINTSTONE snore which caused him to completely crack up and give up (because apparently he wasn't done.)
And then I asked him a question about his mother because I figured if I wasn't going to help him take care of his erection one way, the least I could do was help him get rid of it another.
And what do you know, we were both asleep in minutes.
Well at least I was.
Happy Valentine's Day.
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