BloggingDangerously

Sex Homework: No Really, I Mean It

I am not going to lie to you... the past couple of weeks have been as dry as the Sahara desert at my house.  And I am including the nights that I was in the mood but just too damn lazy to get out of bed to get Siri after my husband fell asleep.

Sad times at Casa de Dangerous.

What's the situation you're wondering?  Well, there are a couple of things going on...  First of all, the husband is on a fitness kick so during the day he's pumping iron instead of well, you know.

And after the kids go to bed he starts falling asleep and drooling in front of the tv until about 9pm when he's ready for bed.

9pm is JUST about the time that I stop working and break out the ol' blog so he's already in bed and snoring by the time I wander in 3 hours later.

On top of that, not having sex makes us cranky so then we get pissy and don't even want to have sex (with each other.)

Eventually we get over it, have sex, stop being cranky and start making time for it again.

That time is now.

For all of us.

I'm leaving for Amsterdam on Sunday so time is getting short.

I need a little inspiration to get over this slump.  So I need you all to get it on and send me romantic karma.

Your homework is to break any dry streak you may be having - whether it's 2 years or 2 minutes - then leave a comment (anonymous is fine) and dare me to follow in your footsteps.

Let's see how many carnal comments we can get by the time I land in the City of Sin on Monday morning, okay?

Have a GREAT weekend!

 

Sex Homework: Mix It Up

Between travelling and being just unbelievably exhausted there hasn't been much bumping uglies in my house lately.

Travelling to Miami and back in the past 48 hours has my nose running like a faucet so I'm not sure what the sex forecast is for the weekend but I'm going to give it my best shot.

I figure if we switch positions so there's no chance that I can cough on him during the deed, I might stand a chance.

So that's your assignment for the weekend too...

I'm sure you have your favorite position but every once in a while it's nice to mix it up a bit - try something new - or old, as the case may be.

If you're the missionary type, work in a little spooning.  If you're more of the doggie style type, try it standing up.

For heaven's sake don't INJURE yourself but try to spice things up.

If you DO injure yourself, remember that the euphemism for "It happened during sex." is "I was helping my friend move furniture."

Have fun!

Sex Homework: When Life Hands You Lemons...

Yesterday was my husband's birthday.  To celebrate I flew to Miami and left him home with the kids - because I'm a great wife like that.

The trip was for work and THANK GOODNESS my husband isn't much for dates and anniversaries because I spent our 9th anniversary on a business trip to NY.

Romance is my middle name.

Not.

But what I lack in Ceremonial Sentimentality I make up for in every day effort.

What I mean by that is, YES, I flew to Miami on his birthday but I made sure to give him a birthday BOFF before I left.

And it wasn't easy.

I tried Monday night - a little after midnight nookie to start the year off right but APPARENTLY 42 year old men prefer sleep to sex - at least at midnight.

And then this morning it was OBVIOUS that he was going to prefer sleeping in to christening the new year.  And when I saw OBVIOUS, I mean that the snoring sort of gave it away.

No worries, we made a plan to rendezvous in the bedroom after I'd packed and after he'd dropped the 4yo off at preschool.  That gave us 3 hours to ourselves - which is about 2 hours and 55 minutes longer than we'd need if history was any indication.

I was wrapping up some stuff at work when the phone rang...

"Hello." I said.

"Oh hello!" she said, "This is the school nurse.  Your son is waging an epic battle for dominance of the herd and your husband doesn't stand a chance. is complaining of a tummy ache." she said.

"Ok," I told her.  "I'll have my husband come get him."

As soon as they walked in the door my husband gave me a look that said, "Well that takes care of that!"

But I love him for his sticktoitiveness and a few minutes later he gave my son a glass of water and a tums and sent him to bed.

I wasn't wholly comfortable with the thought of having sex in our bed with him just down the hall and awake so I brought my husband into our Master Bathroom.  I figured that put at least THREE doors and a few walls between us and the kiddo and if I could manage to be quiet (doubtful) we might just get away with it.

WHOA - we have  A LOT of mirrors in the bathroom.  And a stool so the kids can brush their teeth.  And of course, the throne.

So there was sitting and straddling and standing on a step and MIRRORS everywhere and I managed not to scream and/or fall.

AND my husband had a Happy Birthday smile on for the rest of the day.

So what I'm saying is that I get that it's hard to find the time/opportunity and I get that you're not always in the mood when the opportunity presents itself.  And I get that plans change and you are not a lightswitch BUT I read an article today that says that MARRIED women age 18-49 have sex an average of 1-3 times/MONTH.

And it's my personal goal to help raise that number - both through my own actions - and by inspiring others.  So get out there and do it.

(Hey, I know it's not world peace but it'll put smiles on a lot of faces.)

And P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my wonderful husband.  I LOVE you.

Sex Homework: Squeeze It In

All summer long my husband kept promising threatening me that as soon as the kids were back in school we would alternate between spending our days in bed and swinging from the chandelier.

Well the kids have been back in school for a week and we haven't been near each other once.  Not even on the weekend which is usually our come-hell-or-highwater time to reconnect.

I can't even remember when the last time was to be perfectly honest.

I remember my birthday, and then hurricane Irene and then not having power for 5 days (and not showering very regularly) and then an INTENSE Labor Day weekend, and then back to school and then off to San Diego and then back and then being "indisposed" and then being manhandled by 3 different doctors on the same day.

So it's been at least 2 weeks - maybe more.

And that's completely unacceptable - because there's blogging to be done.

So this weekend's homework is to squeeze it in.  I don't care how busy you are, I don't care how many things are on your to do list.  Make time.

Remember the WASTED ORGASM THEORY.

There's always an excuse not to do it.  Now you have an excuse TO do it.

Because I said so.

You're welcome.

See you at #wineparty. (9pm eastern)

Sex Homework: The Baseball Edition

I'm taking the kids to Fenway park this weekend. 

Oh, the Red Sox aren't in town - in case you were wondering.  I could NEVER afford 6 tickets to a RED SOX game + food and parking.  It would be about ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

We're going to see a AAA league double header.  It should be really fun. 

But enough about baseball.

Let's talk about BASEBALL.

I just looked at the calendar and realized that summer is almost over in New England.  You may have heard my screams at your house.  Yes you, Kailan.

How does life pass by so quickly.  It was YESTERDAY that I was sitting on the beach thinking, "THANK GOD it's Memorial Day - we have the WHOLE summer ahead of us!"

But that's life.

Even in bed.

So this weekend's homework is to slow it down.  Go OLD SCHOOL back to GRADE school when making out was referred to as "First base" and the girls who went to "Second base?"

SLUTS.

Yeah, I'm looking at you with the bleached hair and the tattoo.

Oh crap, that's a mirror.

ANYWAY, this weekend I want you to take your time rounding the bases.

FIRST BASE: Take it slow with long, passionate kisses.

SECOND BASE: Give him a minute, let him fumble.  I sometimes rush through this step to get to the "good stuff" but the truth is that this is one of my FAVORITES.  Enjoy it. 

THIRD BASE: I'm talking HEAVY PETTING.  You can relocate to the back seat of his dad's Chevy if it makes you feel more comfortable.  Remember how much fun this could be when it was as far as you'd go?

And then there's Three and a Half.  Oh, I know that you're not supposed to lead off third but there's really no other euphemism for oral is there?  Go ahead.  Enjoy it.

Now, STOP RIGHT THERE...

Before we go any further, Do you love me?  Will you love me forever? Do you need me?

Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life? Will you take me away will you make me your wife?

*wink*

I think you can find home plate on your own.