My husband has been on a health kick lately. Actually MORE than a health kick, he's on a fitness kick. He's up at 5am working out and spending half my monthly salary at GNC on this potion, that powder and enough pills to choke a horse.
Now, on the plus side, there are his biceps. Yum.
On the DOWN side is the fact that when he takes the first batch of pills before his 5am workout he washes them down by SQUEEZING water from a plastic water bottle into his mouth - LOUDLY, FUCKING LOUDLY, 5 TIMES, FIVE F.U.C.K.I.N.G. TIMES.
Any noise at 5am is unwelcome. Noise that makes you have to pee is STABBABLE.
He says I have equally annoying habits - like being contrary.
ANYWAY, I, too, have been on a health kick lately - or at least I've been trying to make healthy, thoughtful dinners instead of putting american cheese and ketchup on dinosaur shaped nuggets and calling it "Chicken Parm."
So on Sunday I made a special marinade, butterflied 6 chicken breasts and put them in the marinade to have for dinner Tuesday night.
Tonight I fried up a pound of bacon (what!? it's healthy! Pork is the other white meat, right?), cooked two boxes of long grain rice, slow grilled the chicken breasts, cut up fresh fruit, green beans, etc.
When the boys and my husband got home from football we all sat down to eat with ALL 6 of us eating pretty much the same meal (this NEVER happens.)
Before eating my husband had to take some more pills. As I sat down to the squirting of the water bottle I thought how the sound had come to make my skin crawl.
And then I realized I needed a drink myself. I had to run across the house to the other fridge and when I came back all 4 children were staring at their father with concern. I looked at him. He had beads of sweat on his forehead and his eyes were red and watery.
"Are you ok?" I asked him.
"Yes." he gagged a bit. "That last pill went down sideways."
He looked distressed but he was breathing so I sat down.
He coughed a few times. He hacked a few times. he gagged a few times. It was very appetizing.
I tired to ignore it but the kids made it hard because every time he made a disgusting sound they would burst into hysterical laughter and then imitate it or try to outdo it.
This went on for about 5 minutes until my husband excused himself from the table (THANK GOODNESS!) but only went over to hack and cough and gag and vomit into the sink - REPEATEDLY.
And every time he vomitted the kids ERUPTED in hysterical screams followed by laughter. They covered their ears and screamed as I looked down at the dinner it took me 3 days to prepare.
"This," I said to my children, "is an example of something you should NEVER do at a dinner party."
My husband said, "I WOULD go to the bathroom but I'm afraid I'd choke and you wouldn't know until I hit the floor."
I was willing to take that chance but just as I was about to tell him that he retched again and freed the pill.
We all sighed sighs of relief.
But it will be a while before I make that meal again.