It's a bummer coming off a week of being sick to a Valentine's Day filled with "revelling in my womanhood" (and yes, I'm talking about cramps and Midol.)
DH and I knowing that there wasn't going to be any fireworks didn't even pretend to be romantic. I finished our taxes and he watched tv - in different rooms, of course.
And then it was bedtime and he came in to my office to talk for a bit before bed. We talked about the house we want to build and then he kissed me and said, "Happy Valentine's Day" and I said, "oh damn! It's Valentine's Day! I should have come downstairs and hung out with you!" and he just smiled and kissed me again.
We went into the bedroom and he crawled into bed. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. These two things typically take me 10 minutes because I like to stop in the middle and come talk to him. He loves this - particularly while he is trying to fall asleep.
So I finally come out of the bathroom and crawl into bed and kiss him goodnight. And then I ask him to roll over and cuddle with me. He moans.
"It's Valentine's Day!" I argue.
"I'm half asleep!" he argues back.
"NOBODY LOVES ME!" I say. And then say it again 5 or 6 times. He doesn't budge or respond.
I reach out and put my hand on his back. "NOBODY LOVES ME!" I cry.
"How about a Valentine's Back Scratch?" he asks.
"Ooh!" I exclaim. "I'd love one!" and I pull my hand off his back and roll over so that he can scratch my back.
Behind me I hear chuckling, and then "You stink."
"Oh come on, you would do it if you thought it would lead to sex" I trump.
He groans again because he knows that I am right. And then he rolls over and snuggles me.
We talk for a minute and then I feel a creature in the bed between us, stirring.
"Ok!" I say, "goodnight."
"What?" he asks.
"You know we're not going to have sex." I remind him.
"You could give me a blowjob." he offers.
An enormous laugh bursts out of me and I tell him, "That honestly NEVER even occurred to me."
"Ok, well, Goodnight." I say, realizing that I have awakened a sleeping monster and pretending not to notice.
It takes several more parries but he finally realizes that the crampy, cranky wife is not going to be performing oral sex. He huffs, "Well, I guess I just have to take matters into my own hands."
Which would be fine except that my husband is a vigorous man and when matters get into his hands the whole bed shakes so violently that I feel like I am going to be get motion sickness.
In fact, I used to wonder about a recurring dream I had where I was lost and tossed at sea until I woke one night to find my husband beside me shaking the bed like there was a hurricane.
I suppose I should be grateful he doesn't wake me but my goodness I need to roll over to a place where I can see the horizon when it's happening so I don't throw up.
Which is what happened the other night. I rolled onto my stomach so I could keep an eye on the furniture and as I did I thought my husband was "finishing."
Apparently he wasn't, he was just becoming a little self conscious as I rolled over so he lifted his head toward me to see if I was watching him.
I thought that he was checking to see if I was asleep, and I THOUGHT he was FINISHED, so when I saw him look over at me I gave a HUGE, FAKE, FRED FLINTSTONE snore which caused him to completely crack up and give up (because apparently he wasn't done.)
And then I asked him a question about his mother because I figured if I wasn't going to help him take care of his erection one way, the least I could do was help him get rid of it another.
And what do you know, we were both asleep in minutes.
Well at least I was.
Happy Valentine's Day.
At least your husband is willing to try to uh, make the beast go away on his own! Never works in my neck of the woods!
Posted by: Erin @ Brownie Bites | February 16, 2012 at 10:13 PM
Oh well...the Valentine's Day make-up sex should be pretty good for both of you!!
Posted by: Ken | February 17, 2012 at 08:18 AM
Yeah. Scott will WANT to go for ages, even if I'm sending the "I'm NOT WAKING UP" signals.
Posted by: Jessie Powell | February 17, 2012 at 08:38 AM
Sea sick...nice illustration. Ha.
Posted by: Alaina | February 17, 2012 at 11:04 AM
Wait, you lost me at "you stink." Did u douse yourself in some pheromone spray? Maybe your husband should warn you 45 mins prior to his "nobody drives it like the owner" campaign you could take some meclazine (used for sea sickness. I can just see you doing a TV ad!!!
Posted by: Gwendolyn Francis | February 17, 2012 at 01:00 PM
Ha! Well, I'll tell you what. I can tell by your and your H's sense of humor that you'll be married forever. Happily (:^)
Cheers, D
Posted by: D Magazine (Dawne Strehl) | February 17, 2012 at 03:44 PM
hahaha!! this was hilarious. i'm sorry your 'love' day wasn't. it's awesome you can look upon this with such humor. i'm thinking it wasn't so funny when it happened.
thanks for the laughs!
Posted by: Gypsie | February 17, 2012 at 05:46 PM
Oh my goodness! Thank you for the laugh! I love your brutally honest stories. It helps break up the mundane. So a big fat thanks from me!!!
Posted by: Tethered Heather | February 17, 2012 at 08:52 PM
We didn't have sex on Valentine's Day either. I'm pretty sure I"m going to have to make up for that sooner than later!
Posted by: Marta | February 17, 2012 at 10:24 PM
I just woke my daughter up with my snort/laugh. If I ever blogged about stuff like this, my husband would kill me. Maybe that's because his step-mother and his mother-in-law read my blog. Anywho...this is great, I love that you are so uninhibited about sharing what real life is like.
Posted by: Brea | February 18, 2012 at 01:23 AM
Hilarious! Better luck next year!
Posted by: Claire Lopez | February 19, 2012 at 01:27 AM
This is HILARIOUS!!!!! I need to create a blog under a pen name! I am still laughing...
Posted by: Kate | March 02, 2012 at 03:59 PM