Last week was back to school and I have to be honest that there weren't a lot of things that made me laugh because I was so FUCKING EXHAUSTED that I could barely function, never mind process humor.
Still, there were some standouts:
1) My three year old called out to my 8 year old, "Hey!" and when he looked over she mimed that she was DROP kicking something and said, "Bye, Bye into outer space. Happy Trails!" The 8 year old was so flabbergasted that he burst out laughing.
2) My 6 yo was diagnosed with a speech disorder when he was 2 years old. It was so severe that he only had 2 or 3 words on his second birthday. There were horrible scenes in my house where we would call the kids up from the playroom and then he would turn to go back down and we would stop him and he would scream and cry and we would say, "Play time is over." and he would keep crying. As his speech therapy progressed eventually at these times he would be able to say, "CUP." and point downstairs and we would open the door and he would run down and get his water and everything was fine. Communication was such a key to reducing the stress level in our home and I still think of his speech therapist as a life saver. The funny thing is that he is so smart that he had a lot of coping mechanisms - even at age 2 so he BARELY qualified for speech services but he was so clearly non-verbal that they subtracted a couple of points so that he qualified AND IT MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
Tonight he came running into the den where we were watching tv and said, "Mom, (the 5yo) called me names, SECONDLY (he said, emphasizing by holding up a second finger) she took my toy. THIRDLY, (3rd finger) she erased my drawing and FOURTHLY, (4th finger) she said that I can't play with her." When he got to "Fourthly" I looked at my husband who had struggled with me over the "CUP" in the early years, to see how he was responding to the ELOQUENT LAWYER who stood before us. Our eyes met and we both beamed.
3) Last time, I told you that my 3yo likes to be put in charge. Last week, she and I and my 5 and 6yo were in the car waiting for my husband. We had to wait for 20 minutes and the kids started to get antsy. My 3yo came to sit beside me on the center console. "BE QUIET!" she told the others, and added, "I'M IN CHARGE."
"No you're not." I told her. "I'm in charge." "But I am too, right?" she asked.
"No." I told her. She kept yelling commands at the others, "sit down, be quiet, I'm in charge, etc."
"You're not the boss of them" I kept telling her, ignoring the antics of the other two. Finally, though, they got too crazy and loud and I yelled back, "GUYS! BE QUIET."
My 3 yo turned to look at me,SMILED VICTORIOUSLY, PUMPED her fist and yelled, "YES!"
4) My daughter's first soccer practice was yesterday morning. I had told her that two of her best friend's fathers were coaching and that maybe she would be on their team. I had forgotten that I had also agreed to coach - so of course she was on MY team. When I told her that she wouldn't be on a team with her friends (or anyone she knew) because I was going to be her coach, she smiled, threw her arms around me and said, "AWESOME!"
5) On Tuesday we went back to school shopping for office supplies. My son said, "I like Back to school SHOPPING, but I don't like back to school!" I said, "Funny, I'm just the opposite." He glared.
6) My kids went back to school this week. When asked, my oldest said that he was most looking forward to recess and lunch. My second said that he was looking forward to Math and Homework. And my daughter said that she was looking forward to recess too. I didn't have the heart to tell her that kindergartener's don't have recess.
7) I was cleaning out the bookcase the other day and found Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day. It's an excellent book and I promptly read it to my 3yo. Halfway through I realized that via Twitter, I actually have friends in Australia. This means that using it as an escape locale is significantly more realistic. I probably won't go soon, but I AM getting my scuba gear back from my friend.
8) When my husband and I were dating he had a penchant for Dr McGillicuddy's alcohol. The only problem was, HE SAID, that whenever he drank it, I would pick a fight with him. (I, on the other hand, think it makes him a bit JEALOUS.) He requested that I purchase some for him the other night and even after all these years of marriage I refused. ;) He laughed, nodded and asked for Orange Fanta instead.
9) I wore this trekker skirt Saturday that I never wear and both of my daughters and my husband commented on it. My husband made some lascivious comments and I nodded encouragingly. However, after a LONG week of back to school, 8:30am soccer, a 5yo birthday party and a trip to the grocery store I was EXHAUSTED. I walked into my bedroom and saw my sleeping pants and couldn't resist. My husband was CRESTFALLEN when he saw me. Especially because he was tipsy on Orange Fanta and Absolut Citron. All he could say was, "You took off your skirt." At the time I just yawned. But it was funny later.
10) Speaking of the sleeping pants... this didn't just happen but it bears repeating because it's hilarious. I rarely buy clothes at Walmart - not because I'm a snob but because I get points IN LIEU OF MONEY from my work that allow me to buy clothes at Gap.com/Old Navy.com etc. As a busy mom I shop online quite a bit and being able to use these points instead of cash is great. However, one day I was in Walmart and I saw these green and blue striped sleeping pants that were SO soft I HAD to have them. I bought them and when I brought them home I said to my husband, "Don't you LOVE these pants?" He NEVER notices clothing. "Yeah." he said, not even looking. I held them in front of his face. "LOOK!" he glanced. "OOH nice." he said facetiously. "Don't you LOVE them?" I asked. I put them on. "Aren't they soft?" I demanded. I basically harassed him about my pants for 2 nights until he admitted that they were the greatest sleeping pants in the history of earth. Satisfied, I stopped. The following day we were driving down the street and coming toward us on the sidewalk was a HOMELESS person, pushing a SHOPPING CART full of RECYCLABLE empty beer cans. And he was wearing the SAME SLEEPING PANTS.
I noticed but didn't say anything. About 50 feet past the person my husband said, "Did you see that homeless person?"
"Yeah." I answered
"I LOVED his pants." he said.
Happy Monday. I hope you have a great day. I'm talking to the interviewer again today at 4:30. Wish me luck!!! How embarrassing will it be if I don't get the job now that I've mentioned it to you 500 times??? Like that time I should have failed my driving test in high school and was MORTIFIED because I had told everyone I was being dismissed to go get my license. And then the Trooper took mercy on my and PASSED me and my mom went back to work and said, "If anyone needs a license go to the North Attleboro registry because they're giving them out to BLIND people!"
And I didn't take the car out alone for a week because my test had been THAT bad, I'd scared MYSELF.
This job search is kind of like that.