G-Spot: Actual Cat

This story made me laugh out loud in large part because I recall trying to channel Madonna in my younger years and ending up looking like a dancing Elaine from Seinfeld!

Thanks to Kris at Pretty All True for this hilarious story!

Have you ever just missed something? COMPLETELY?

And then, years later, many years later... you are perhaps sitting lazily in front of your television and an image flashes before your eyes.  And a realization is made, something you were supposed to have realized immediately many, many years before, but which you did not?  And you are jolted to alertness.

COMPLETELY.

Many years ago... all the way back to sometime in the 1980's.  During the time period I call my six months of slut.

Good times, people.  Good times.

Ahem.

Ok, so I arrive at this guy's house for our second date.  We have no plans to go anywhere because for our first date?  We had planned to go to the movies but instead we stayed in, drank a lot and had sex.  Way fun!  So this time?  We just plan to have sex.

That's what six months of slut means people.

Ok, so we drink a lot and we eat some pizza and pretend that we might possibly be soul mates (what with our common interest in fucking and all.)

Snort!

And then I am naked.  Which is awesome.  And he is not.  Which is puzzling.

But I can work with this.  I walk over and sit in his lap so that we are face to face.  This turns out to be a fabulous idea. For a bit.

And then he whispers in my ear that he has a fantasy he would like to share with me. S omething I could do that would be so amazingly sexy.  He pulls me close.

Bring this fantasy on, baby!  I lean eagerly in to catch his words.

And he says, "I want you to be a cat."

What...the...hell?

And I think to myself...he wants to fuck a cat?  Uh oh.  He's into cats?  That's weird, right?

Ok, but I have already sold myself as a woman who will do anything. A  woman who is free and daring and sexually adventurous.  Now I'm going to balk at being a kitty-cat?  Not fucking even.

I down the rest of my drink, hoping that a slight bit more incoherence will keep me from giggling.

So he stays in his chair, fully dressed and I lower myself to the floor. Naked.

After a few too many drinks?  In a state of giggly high-sexual arousal?

I try to become an actual cat.

I figure purring is a good start.  So I purr.  I do that head rubbing thing cats do against his leg.

I am completely unable to stop giggling.  Being a cat is so fucking stupid and hilarious!

Ok, hold on... deep breaths.

And then I consider for a moment, unable to decide if a cat would crawl on its hands and knees? Or on forearms and knees?  I try both, and then settle on forearms as that means my ass is higher.  That's probably the effect I'm supposed to be going for here, right?

Head down? Or up?

FUCK.  I should have asked him for more specific directions before I started catting it up.

I spot one of my socks and I ball it up.  A cat toy!  I bat it around the room.  Like a cat. Duh.  I am all playful and shit.

I glance at him as I bat my cat toy and the look on his face.

It's not good.

And I am still naked.

And he is clothed.

And bemused.

Fuck.

And so now I am feeling even less cat-like than I was because seriously... if a man asks a woman to pretend to be a cat and she gets down on all fours like an idiot and crawls about the room?  Shouldn't the crawling humiliation only last for about 5 seconds before there is pouncing of a sexual kind? Duh.

But I am down here now. Annoyed but determined.  I glare at the clothed man, but he says nothing.  I sit up for a moment and think.  I will win him over with my method-acting catness!  I am going to make this work.

Let's see... what do cats do?

Oooooh.... grooming!

Yes...I...Did.

Pantomimed the whole face washing thing.  Paws and licking and everything.

And then?

Because I can see from his face that this is still not quite enough?

I meow.

I am a CAT, damn it!

Meow.

The still clothed man?

Is silent.

Sigh.

Fuck this, I am not a cat.

So I stand up, pour myself a shot of tequila and drink it down.

And then I say, "OK asshole, I dont know what sort of bestiality crap you are into but I am done with the cat thing.  So fuck the woman before you or I am out of here."

And then there was sex.

That's what six months of slut means, people.

And there was no more talk of cats.

And I never saw him again.

Because he was a cat-fucking freak... duh.

Fast-forward many, many years. And I am sitting lazily on my couch watching MTV... a collection of videos from the late 1980's.  And suddenly, the screen is filled with Madonna's song "Express Yourself."

And then there is Madonna, slinking about the floor like a cat. All sultry and long and lean and sensuous.  As feline as can be.  Way fucking sexy.

That's what he wanted.

Slutty Pussy.

Not actual cat.

Sigh.

How embarassing.

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(Note: if you've sent me a G-Spot story, I promise to get to it!  If you'd like to send one, email me and I'll give you the details.  Thanks!)

Comments

[Naked Revelations]

Sweet Jesus! Hilarious!!!
It just kept getting better and better! LOVE LOVE LOVE'd it!

[Cristina]

Well, at least he didn't say something super weird like platypus or ant eater.

[Lanita]

I guess being asked to be a cat was better than being asked to be the cow.

[D H-Arza]

He need to provide more direction...I blame him

[MinnesotaJoY]

Kris? Is awesome. I am still giggling.

[Kmama]

OMG! I'm DYING over here at my desk. DYING. You seriously balled up a sock and played with it? And then pretended to groom yourself. OMG. Dying. Need. oxygen. stat.

[Randa]

The grooming! The grooming! I'm dead. I've been laughing about this all morning.

[Angela]

Oh Jebus, that was fantastic! The fact that he didn't stop you or try to re-direct? Also kind of funny. Maybe slightly cruel and/or twistd, but definitely funny.

[WTH am I Doing]

O.M.G. This is freakin hysterical. I thought the exact same thing. & Would have done the exact same thing...provided there was enough alcohol. Ack.

Be a cat. Men are so dumb sometimes.

[Hannah]

omg that is the funniest shit ive ever read. i too had my six months of slut, but not one time was i asked to be a cat. so fucking hilarious!

[Hippest Snippets]

Hippest Snippets just wanted to say how much we love your blog even if we've never pretended to be cats.

Sometimes we're lions though.

We keep it dominant.

[CDG]

sweet baby jesus in a sidecar!

with the grooming?

dead. on the floor.

[Amy]

Oh Kris, I do love you!

[Lori]

"I will win him over with my method-acting catness."

I am quite certain that in the throes of role-playing I have never thought those words.

But that's typically because I'm trying to figure out either 1) how to tie the lasso, or 2) how to unlock handcuffs.

[Roxane]

oh shit. I just died. again. thanks kris. thanks a lot.

[Cucumberjuice.wordpress.com]

Hahahahaha. This is HILARIOUS. He should have provided more direction and prompting.

[Jennifer]

Oh Hell Funny! I wonder if this is one of the "Oprah" ah-hah moments? Wouldn't this be the story to tell on her show and then say... and suddenly I had my Ah-hah moment all those years later! Too FUNNY.

[Sarah]

Jesus fucking Christ. Bahahhaha I love you!

[charlotte anne]

Hysterical and I would have done the exact same thing! Love it.

[Ian]

Kris for President, just sayin

[Ginny]

I read this in my husband's Psychologists office. I was supposed to be quietly listening to the Dr. explain to him the tests he was given. He stopped to look through files and I started reading.

OMG, I giggled so loud that both the doctor and my husband looked at me like I had two heads. I just threw my phone in my purse and tried not to pee my pants?

[subwow]

This is one of the funniest stories told from the trenches I've heard. Thank you!

[Truthful Mommy]

I think I totally just peed myself a little. I remember the 6 months of slut.. I distinctly remember having sex under a chair..yes UNDER a chair. And in windows,lots of windows all exposed to co ed passers by. I also remember loads of shower sex. Oh, I miss that slut! Little kids killed my slut.I can't stop laughing at someone actually faining feline grooming as sexy!BWAHAHAA! That dude was an asshole!

[Truthful Mommy]

OMG! YOU SHOULD HAVE TOTALLY FURBALLED IT FOR HIM!!! Maybe that would have gotten his motor running. ANd I just peed myself some more!LMAO!!!!

[Jessica Howe]

You are all kinds of awesome.

Cat fucker. Hilarity.

[Asics shoes]

Sloth , like rust , consumes faster than labor wears .

[Tracie]

The sock?!?! OhMyGosh I lost it at the sock.

Then the grooming! You were so committed to your catness.

[Getcha]

can't stop laughing ... you so have balls ... even with tequila cat time wouldn't have happened ... bob woulda come outta my bag and he coulda joined in or watched, whatever his cat freakiness mind liked best

[keylogger for Mac]

This is one of the funniest stories told from the trenches I've heard. Thank you!