Don't be alarmed. It wouldn't be good if we were all freaking out. I mean when the police leave and the door is reattached to it's hinges someone's got to be in a position to tell the newspapers what happened.
But maybe I should start at the beginning...
My family and I live in a 4 bedroom colonial. My husband and I share a room, my sons share a room and my daughters share a room. The extra bedroom is my home office. I work here most days. At night, after the kids are in bed my husband and I mess around on our respective computers. (That is, when we're not messing around in our bedroom. See MARRIED SEX week for details on that.)
Anyway, I have NO IDEA what my husband does on the computer. I thought it was something about tracking stocks or maybe PORN. Until Saturday morning...
Saturday morning was my day to get up with the kids while my husband slept in. What this means is that the kids get up around 6:30 and watch tv and then I get up around 7:30 and make them breakfast. When I got up on Saturday, someone had move the ottoman from the formal living room to the bottom of the stairs in front of the front door.
Now, as the mother of 4 children I IMMEDIATELY thought TRAMPOLINE and started to accuse them of moving the ottoman so that they could jump from the top step onto the trampoline ottoman and bounce off and kill themselves, break every bone in their body, force me to get up even earlier, hurt themselves.
As I started my interrogation: "Was it YOU?!?" pointing at my second son (truly, it's ALWAYS him) my husband's voice rang out. "It was me."
"Wha? Why?" I asked.
"I'll tell you later." he answered.
Later, I made the mistake of asking him why. I was concerned that he had heard a noise outside in the night and thought that someone might be trying to break in. The answer, was even scarier.
This is the answer I got: "Now, I'm not saying that I'm doing anything on the computer. BUT, if the police bring a crash car to the door, they'll come in the front door with a battering ram and having the ottoman there will buy a few extra seconds so that you can get to the kids."
I sat there for a moment and then said what you're all thinking: "You're FUCKING NUTS."
Also, "Thanks for having the plan be for me to run out into the hallway to greet the SWAT TEAM."
Tonight I asked him, "Um would you mind if I blogged about how crazy you are? You know, with the ottoman and everything? Or do you think that if the Police are reading this they'll realize that we have the SECRET WEAPON OTTOMAN and will decide to come in one of the other 5 doors?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "No, I don't think that anyone reads your blog."
At which point I decided he was an asshole and deserved to get shot up by a swat team.