BloggingDangerously

Overheard...

The other day I was telling the kids 'baby stories' and I told the story of how on the day we brought my youngest daughter home from the hospital, the older three kids had a fight and my second son walked away from them and sat down beside his new, "Sister baby" and started rubbing her head and "loving her."

When he heard the story he looked across the table at the now, 5 year old sister-baby, glared menacingly and said "That was then."

She glared back (pretending, they DO love each other) and rubbed her hands together with a sinister laugh.

My oldest son, observing the entire exchange looked at her and said, "Sinister hand rubbing?  You're becoming a cliche."

 

Nooner...

I work from home full time and my husband is a stay at home dad.  My older three kids are in school from 8-3 and my youngest goes to preschool every day from 12-3 so frankly I have no idea why I don't have more mid-day sex.

But we really don't.  I'm not sure if it's because I get so focused during the day I can't break away - or because my husband works out in the mornings so by noon he's a sweaty mess - or because the minute he leaves to take my daughter to school I run into my bedroom and grab my vibrator so I'm finished by the time he gets home...

But today the stars aligned, my husband decided to work out in the afternoon, I had a relatively quiet day and I was on a conference call from 11:30-12:30 that ended just as my husband was getting home from dropping off my daughter.  I saw his car pull into the driveway and thought, "Hm."

He came into the house and up to my office and made his typical reference to the "midday quickie" but this time I said, "Okay."  Which caught him totally unprepared.

We went into the bedroom and he was stammering while he struggled to get into the right mindset.

I made the mistake of turning on our electric blanket. 

We got undressed and into bed. 

MISTAKE.

Do you know what two naked 40 year olds would most like to do in an empty house in the middle of the day?

NAP.

We moaned.  We groaned.  We screamed out how good it felt.

(The bed, not the sex.)

For a moment it was 50/50 whether we would nap or have sex.  Then I grabbed Siri and started without him.

I asked him, "Are you going to join me?"

"I'm not ready." he said. Then added by way of explanation, "The fish doesn't usually bite so quickly."

"Sometimes you shouldn't talk." I told him.

He nodded.

Siri and I continued without him.  At one point he tried to join in but I was so close that I shooed him away.  Then I finished round one and rolled toward him. 

Not only was it fabulous but since he's been working out he's got some HOT shoulder strength that we used to incorporate some acrobatics into our routine.

I may have been insanely loud.

And then it was over and a sleepy endorphin rush rolled over me just as the electric blanket really started to kick in and it took every ounce of discipline to crawl out of bed into the cold world, get dressed and go back to work.

Because you can't eat love.

You can, however, have it for lunch.

TSA Would Never Approve of Carmen

I spent last week in Amsterdam on business but managed to spend some time sightseeing and shopping.

I discovered Stroopwafels which are difficult to describe - but imagine a round sandwich with the top and bottom made from the same material as a waffel cone and filled with caramel.  A word of warning:  The first 15 are AMAZING.  The next 15, less so.  The thrid 15 are nauseating.

I discovered LUSH, a cosmetics store that uses all natural ingredients.  I AM LOVING their Chinese mud and Rosemary face scrub but punted on their mud mask when they told me it had to be kept refrigerated so it didn't grow mold.

I bought cute wooden shoes for my daughters and an AWESOME knit hat for my younger son.  My older son had his heart set on a snow globe so that's what he got.

And I bought a skin tight black shirt for my husband.  Oh, the shirt was for me to wear but it was a gift for my husband - if you get my point.

But the night before I left I felt bad returning home with nothing specifically for my husband.  He's into hunting and doesn't mind a relaxing smoke once in a while so I decided to get him this:

Which seemed like a FABULOUS idea while I was standing there in the red light district but revealed itself to be a VERY BAD idea the following day at airport security.

First, I went through Amsterdam airport security, which is essentially non-existent.  Then I walked through the airport in a DESPERATE search for a croissant.  Finally I went to my gate where I found "American security."

This was disastrous for a number of reasons.  First of all it meant that I couldn't carry any Diet Coke onto the plane.  For anyone with a substance abuse problem you know what I mean when I tell you that I was NOT HAPPY at the prospect of spending 8 hours with a rationed supply of Diet Coke - no matter how friendly and generous the Delta Flight Attendants were.

The next disaster occurred when I put my briefcase through the scanner and the TSA agent pulled it aside and asked, "Is this yours?"

Just as I was trying to figure out how to say, "It's a vibrator" in dutch, she pulled out the gift bag for my husband.

"It's metal?" she asked.

I nodded.

CRAP!  Busted for drug paraphernalia.

But there's no residue!  It's a tobacco grinder!

Foolish American.

The could not have cared less about my grinder's illicit purpose or past - they cared that it was shaped like bullets.

And the fact that it unscrewed completely - revealing nothing inside? 

Didn't matter.

And the fact that bullets without a gun are not really a threat?

Didn't matter.

So I asked them, "Well, can I put it in my luggage and check my luggage?"

"Nope."

"Can I go back through security and mail it to myself at home?"

"Nope."

So I left my bullet grinder at the TSA counter in Amsterdam.

And I learned a valuable lesson - DO NOT TAKE BULLET VIBES on airplanes!